Author: ktnorlander

I wish Drop the Ball was around when I was new mother.

When my husband and I were newlyweds, he worked an average of 60 hours a week. I worked 40 hours per week, we lived in an apartment, and we had no children. It made sense for me to be responsible for most of the domestic chores. Over time, our work schedules equalized. We also purchased a home and had a child. My husband took on more domestic responsibilities than he had in the past, but I never felt like we did a good job of renegotiating housework. I coped by neglecting a lot of chores and by limiting my career ambitions.

Dufu says many women take the “mommy track” for just this reason. She wrote Drop the Ball to encourage women and men to rethink household chores so that mothers don’t have to give up on their careers.

If you are imagining a book that teaches women to order men around, you’ve got the wrong idea. Dufu does encourages women to speak up about how household responsibilities are shared, but the plan she outlines encourages men and women to work together as a team. She also makes it clear that women need to trust men’s competence at home, noting that too often we get in our own way when it comes to sharing chores.

Dufu’s book is both positive and practical. The first few chapters set the scene for her decision to drop the ball. Then she gets into the meat of her story: how she went about making changes. Dufu encourages couples to set a “compass” — a few questions that help them make decisions together — and to get clear about their values. She shares how she created a spreadsheet that reflects all household work. This work is then allocated among family members. One of the most important columns on the spreadsheet is for tasks that won’t get done until the next time the couple sits down to reallocate chores. This is one way women can practice dropping the ball. They also should step back and let family members take full responsibility for their own chores — a difficult but necessary task.

What should women do with the time they free up after letting go of some of their responsibilities at home? Dufu encourages them to prioritize exercise, sleep, networking, and increasing one’s professional presence.

Although this book is written for a specific audience — married heterosexual mothers who work outside the home — there are lessons in it that can work for many different people. Single mothers may be able to apply some of Dufu’s “go to’s” and pull together support teams. Women with grown children, or no children, who still feel that an imbalance of household responsibilities makes reaching their full career potential difficult will be able to use many of Dufu’s tricks for dropping the ball. No matter who you are, if you want to renegotiate chores in your household, this book is worth reading.

Our child is no longer small, but I plan to use much of what I’ve learned from this book. More importantly, I’m sharing it with others. Recently some people asked me to mentor their teen daughter. As part of our mentoring relationship, I gave her a copy of the book. I’ve placed a copy in our Little Free Library. I have yet another copy on hand to give away when I find someone else who could use it.

If we want to make a difference, we need to remove barriers that hold women back from making their best contributions to the world. One way we can do that is by sharing this book. If women start using their time in a way that aligns with their values, they’ll be happier and more effective. And when women and men start working as a team, everyone wins.

Have you ever felt powerless? We are so small, and we live for such a short period of time. The world’s problems are so big. What can we do, really? And if we can’t do anything, why bother?

Recently I was talking with my daughter about a mistake I had made with noticeable consequences. When I was in my high school’s marching band, I was one of two bell players. That year our percussion solo was “The Peanut Vendor.” During one performance — I believe it was for a judged competition — I came in early. One bell player playing at the wrong time. How bad can that be? How about bad enough to really throw things off? When your instrument is easy to hear, bad timing can be a big deal. I still cringe when I remember it.

That brought to mind another mistake with even bigger consequences. A friend and I once managed to evacuate an entire college residence hall. In Minnesota. In January. We had a craving for fried plantain, so we purchased one from a grocery store, sliced it up, and started deep frying it in oil in our dorm’s kitchen. We were so busy talking and laughing that we weren’t keeping a good eye on the hot oil. It started to smoke, which set off the fire alarms. Nothing was actually on fire, so we weren’t sure what to do. In the end, we decided to turn off the heat and leave the dorm with everyone else. People were standing outside in the cold without coats, asking each other what had happened. Apparently someone overheard the firemen say “someone was frying a banana.” Close enough.

Of course, both of these examples are negative: One musician throwing off a band performance. Two college students causing a dorm to be evacuated. But if I can manage to cause that sort of chaos by accident, what sort of good could I really accomplish if I set my mind to it?

You’ve probably heard the saying “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” It’s another negative example, but it’s a good one. There’s nothing like the high-pitched whine of a mosquito at night to cause sleeplessness. Small things really can make themselves felt.

Sometimes we read about people who start social enterprises or raise a lot of money for a charity or advocate successfully for social reforms. It’s easy to think that those are special people. We’re not like them.

But when I think about my “disaster” stories, I wonder… Am I failing to realize how powerful one person, even me, can really be? Maybe, just maybe, each and every one of us is more powerful than we think. Let’s own our power and figure out how we can use it for good.

If you actively support your local animal shelter, you may know that it is now “kitten season.” Because many people don’t spay or neuter their cats, shelters are flooded with unwanted kittens throughout the summer. Unfortunately, shelters often lack the resources to support all of the cats they receive, so many are euthanized.

There are several ways you can take action during the summer to improve the lives of homeless cats and kittens.

Spay or neuter your cats

First, and most important, if you are a cat owner, please spay or neuter your kittens as soon as possible after they turn eight weeks old. I know more than one good cat owner who had a kitten that got pregnant at a very young age, before the owner was able to get her spayed. If you’re having trouble paying for the operation, you may be able to find a low-cost spay/neuter program near you.

If you have feral cats in your area, consider promoting a trap-neuter-return program to reduce the population of feral cats and kittens.

Adopt cats

If you are able to take in one or more new pets, you can do a great deal of good by adopting one or even two cats — preferably adults. When people choose a cat at an animal shelter, they frequently choose a kitten over an adult. If you can adopt one or two adult cats, you may save them from being euthanized. Cats sometimes come to the shelter with a “buddy” from their previous home; it’s wonderful if you can keep these cats together. And your shelter may offer a deal on a multi-cat adoption, such as an “adopt one cat, get one free” special.

Provide foster care

Sometimes cats and kittens need foster care. The shelter may lack the space for all of the cats that are brought in during kitten season, or they may lack the resources to care for cats and kittens with special needs. If you want to provide a temporary home to one or more cats, contact your local animal shelter and ask them about how you might provide foster care.

Make a donation

Animal shelters need your support. Our local humane society is supported solely through donations. If people don’t give, they can’t provide for all of the animals that are brought in. In addition to donating money, you may be able to donate supplies to your shelter; check their website or call them to see if they need anything you can give. Your shelter may also need volunteer support, particularly if you are willing to make a long-term commitment.

In addition to donating to your shelter, you may want to consider donating to a spay/neuter program in your area.

I’d love to see a world where kitten season was not a problem. Until that day comes, let’s do what we can to reduce the number of cats that are euthanized.

Humor is a difficult subject. People have strong, often strongly expressed, opinions about it. Think of things we say to each other: “That’s not funny!” and “Oh, lighten up!”

I initially worked on this post soon after the fallout over the photo of Kathy Griffin holding what looked like Trump’s severed head. I felt like I was coming across as too preachy, so I set it aside for last week’s post, but I knew I wanted to come back to it.

I understand that certain things — humor, art, the prophetic voice — can be deeply disturbing. I also believe that no one — not even the President — is above being criticized or poked fun at. But humor is a tricky thing. We shouldn’t just shrug off negative responses, telling ourselves that some people don’t get it. Sometimes the problem is that we think we’re being funny when we’re merely being offensive. I believe that Griffin’s photo fell in that category; there’s nothing funny about an implied threat. (I also don’t believe the threats against her were appropriate. As I polish this on the same day as the shooting in Alexandria, Virginia, I am troubled by the way so many people seem to resort to threats of violence or actual violence to settle differences.)

My first class toward my master’s degree was a video production course. I remember our instructor saying that all humor is cruel. I disagree with that, but I appreciate how he carried the idea to its logical conclusion: Humor should always be directed at yourself or at someone of a higher standing, not at people below your level. Some mock class award ceremonies at the end of May proved my instructor’s point. If you missed the news, teachers at a couple of different schools gave out awards such as “most likely to become a terrorist,” “most likely to become homeless,” and “most likely not to pay attention” (to a child with ADHD). Poking fun at the children they taught wasn’t funny; it was hurtful.

I think the best way to approach humor is to think about our motives. Humor that tears down can really be cruelty in disguise, particularly when it involves tearing someone down over a characteristic over which they have little to no control (say, their appearance vs. their behavior). If we want to make a difference in the world, I don’t think we need to become humorless; we simply need to combine our sense of humor with a spirit of love.