I recently expressed weariness with drinking some tea samples that did not particularly appeal to me. My child suggested I throw them out. I automatically replied, “Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.”

Whether we learn them from a grandparent or a book, old adages can help us make the world a better place. Here are some of my favorites

Use It Up, Wear It Out, Make It Do, or Do Without

There are plenty of times when there’s no point in slogging through something you dislike. Why force yourself to finish that cake you’re not enjoying? The point of cake is pleasure, so you might as well give it away or toss it. But there’s also something to be said about using something up before you buy more.

The “use it up…” adage is a favorite of the simplicity movement. I don’t do a perfect job of living by it, but I often keep it in mind when I make decisions about discarding something or purchasing something new. If we choose to use what we have until it is gone or worn out, and if we ask ourselves if we really need to buy that thing we want at all, we’ll make better choices for the environment… and for our wallets. This is how people who are poor live out of necessity; being able to discard and replace something simply because we are tired of it is a luxury.

A Stitch In Time Saves Nine (or, Do It Now)

This ties neatly into the adage above. If you repair something when the first sign of a problem appears, you’re more likely to be able to make it last… or at least you’ll save yourself a bigger repair job down the line. And this saying works works with intangible things as well as tangible ones. It’s better to tackle a relationship problem early on than to let years go by. At that point, you’ll need to put a lot more effort into making things right, if you’re able to repair the relationship at all.

But I think this also is wise advice on a grander scale. One of the best examples of how we might put this adage into practice? Ignoring the fact that we should have tackled climate change years ago, it’s best for us to make changes now, rather than wait until things get even worse.

Charity Begins at Home

This is probably the saying that is the most challenging for me. When I was going through that unpleasant phase that most adolescents go through, my mother, fed up with my behavior, simply said to me, “Charity begins at home.” This was a zinger, and she surely knew it, because she knew that I wanted to do something to change the world for the better.

Sometimes its easier to be kind at a distance than it is to treat those we live with well. But the proverb is right. If we want to make a difference, there’s no better place to start than with the people we see every day.

There’s No Such Thing as a Soul Mate

When you romanticize a committed relationship, you’re asking for trouble.

When I was in college, one of my professors said, “The truth about marriage is… it’s boring.” If you believe that there is just one person out there who is a perfect match for you, when you hit that boring spot, or if you are going through a rough patch with your spouse, it may be tempting to believe that the problem is that you committed to the wrong person. Perhaps your soul mate is still out there! Perhaps they are sitting in the next cubicle over.

If, however, you believe that there is more than one person out there with whom you could have a good relationship, and that when you got married you said to your spouse, “I choose to commit to you,” then marital boredom or difficulty doesn’t necessarily signal that you made the wrong choice, nor does the attractiveness of your coworker mean that your true perfect match is just a cubicle away. Instead, you can choose to work harder on the relationship that you committed to.

Marriage is difficult, and it doesn’t always work out. There’s no sense in making it more difficult by saddling your spouse with unrealistic expectations.

Something They Want, Something They Need, Something to Wear, and Something to Read

This adage is another great way to reduce overconsumption. I first heard it, or a variation of it, in relation to filling a Christmas stocking. Lately I’ve seen it used to describe buying Christmas presents for kids.

In my family’s case, it was extremely rare for us to give our child more than four gifts outside of what we put in her stocking, so using the four-gift rhyme as a stocking stuffing guideline worked well. We just had to make sure that the items were small and inexpensive enough to be stocking stuffers: something to wear might be a pair of gloves, and something to read could be a small paperback. Other families may find it more useful to use this rule or a similar one to control the number of gifts under the tree. Regardless, deciding on some sort of gift-giving rule can help tame the “gimmes” and your spending.

What adages to you live by?

The Crime

A few far-flung family members visited in late December. On Christmas Day, one of them announced that they would like to go to Spies in Disguise that evening, and that we were welcome to join them. I really wasn’t interested in the movie. More importantly, mere weeks before I had written: “… if we dream of a world where more people can relax and celebrate with loved ones on certain days of the year, we might want to rethink traditions like family outings to the movie theater after holiday dinners.” But I did want to spend time with my family.

I had three choices:

• I could go with them.
• I could say, “I’m not crazy about the idea of going out on holidays, because it encourages businesses to stay open instead of giving their employees the day off.”
• I could just say, “No, thank you,” and leave it at that.

I chose to go with them.

The Case Against Me

According to Merriam-Webster, one of the definitions of a hypocrite is “a person who acts in contraction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.” By that definition, I certainly appear to be guilty. I encouraged people to stay home on holidays. I went out, and I really didn’t have to.

This is a clear case of hypocrisy, right? We can take away my license to write posts on making a difference right now.

In My Defense…

I’ll be honest. I’m not sure if I made the right choice. I feel like the second option wasn’t a good one in this case. A child was involved. His parents had already said — in front of him — that they were going to the movie. That’s not the time to talk about choosing not to go out on a holiday. But the third option was valid and would have been more consistent with my beliefs. I simply chose to go because I love my family, don’t see them as often as I’d like, and thought it would be nice to say, “Yes.”

That may be a good enough excuse. I tend to side with love over strict adherence to standards when presented with a choice between the two. And while it wouldn’t have been unloving to stay home, it was an act of love to join my family.

I’ve also tried to argue in this blog that making a difference is neither a matter of perfection nor a matter of a black-and-white approach to issues and decision-making. Making the right choice can be overwhelming, exhausting, and difficult. In the end, making a difference is a journey in personal growth, and we never “arrive” at our destination.

I also hope I’ve avoided being “preachy” in my posts about making a differences. I try to write words of encouragement, inspiring others — including myself — to make a difference in what little ways we can.

The Verdict

As I said above, I really don’t know if I made the right choice. But I don’t consider myself a hypocrite, because I wouldn’t judge any of my readers for doing the same thing I did. All any of us can do is continue to wrestle with our choices and do our best. We will fail — perhaps I did this past Christmas Day — but each moment we live is an opportunity to try again.

In the end, though, this isn’t my call. I doubt many people think they are hypocrites. So you decide: Am I a hypocrite? I’m interested in your thoughts.

 

We’re Really Bad at Apologies

Over and over we read news stories about prominent people and even organizations apologizing badly… if they apologize at all.

“I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I’m sorry, but in my defense…”

“I was joking.”

“Mistakes were made.”

“Alright, alright! I’m sorry!”

“You’re too sensitive.”

How to Say “I’m Sorry”

Pope Francis has recently made the news for setting an example of an apology done right.

But what exactly is a good apology?

A good apology starts with a willingness to understand someone else’s perspective.

Before we can sincerely apologize, we have to believe we have something to apologize for.

Let me first acknowledge that sometimes people will pressure us to apologize for something when we truly have done nothing wrong. This can happen in abusive situations. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate not to apologize for something.

But in most cases it is helpful for us to pause and listen to the person or people who would like us to apologize and to empathize with them. When we are willing to listen with humility, we may realize that we’ve engaged in hurtful behavior for which we need to seek forgiveness.

When people say things like “I apologize if I offended anyone,” they usually have failed to empathize with the people they have hurt.

A good apology includes accepting responsibility for our behavior without making excuses.

We need to take full responsibility for our actions. That’s hard. We may indeed have done something in response to another person’s behavior. Maybe a loved one repeatedly lets us down, and one day we lash out and say something hurtful. While we understandably want the other person to take responsibility for their actions, we need to apologize for our behavior without blaming them. The fact is we are fully responsible for how we respond to someone. We need to address our loved one’s behavior separately, without blaming them for what we have done.

A good apology leads to changed behavior.

An apology isn’t just about confessing past wrongdoing and then expecting everything to be fine going forward. We may need to make amends. We may need to pursue help in order to change habitual behaviors that have hurt others. This can be hard, painful work, but it’s necessary if we really are sorry for what we’ve done.

How Should We Respond to Genuine Apologies?

Every single one of us will need to apologize from time to time, but we also will find ourselves on the receiving end of heartfelt apologies. Sometimes we will feel so hurt that we won’t want to give the offender anything, but I believe there are things we need to do when someone offers a genuine apology.

We should try to empathize with the person doing the apologizing.

We don’t need to excuse their behavior. We don’t need to accept an obviously insincere apology. But we should be willing to understand imperfect apologies if they appear to be well-intended. I doubt any of us have always extended perfect apologies; it’s good to remember that when another person is trying to say “I’m sorry.”

We should be willing to forgive.

Genuine apologies can be difficult. That’s why they’re so rare. When we refuse to forgive someone who expresses sincere remorse and attempts to change their behavior, we teach people that they shouldn’t bother to apologize, because nothing they do will make a difference.

Sometimes the damage someone did to a relationship is deep. Forgiveness doesn’t mean denying the hurt. It doesn’t necessarily mean that a relationship will go back to the way it was before the damage was done. It doesn’t mean that the offender gets to have everything the way they want it after they apologize. It does mean that we need to acknowledge that anyone can learn and grow. It means that people don’t need to be defined by their past. It means that we shouldn’t treat someone like a pariah forever when they are working to change. Because if we dream of a better world, we need to allow others — and ourselves — to become better people.

Although there is no longer the same tax incentive for year-end donations that there used to be, you may be contemplating making a charitable gift before 2020… or you may find yourself thinking about making a donation in the future. Either way it’s important to keep this in mind: Do not focus on overhead expenses when you decide what nonprofits you should support.

For years, online resources such as Charity Navigator have emphasized overhead in their ratings of nonprofits. This seems like a wise decision, right? We want our donations to go directly to those we are trying to help. And there are definitely organizations that spend little of what they receive on those they claim to serve. Consumer Reports notes that the Disabled Veterans National Foundation spent only 4 percent of donations on its programs. If you want to help veterans, it’s clearly better to give elsewhere.

But in 2013, GuideStar, Charity Navigator, and the Wise Giving Alliance published an open letter telling America’s donors that overhead is “a poor measure of a charity’s performance.” And Nonprofit Quarterly frequently posts about the importance of focusing less on overhead and more on a nonprofit’s efficiency.

Here’s why we should stop focusing on overhead when deciding where to give our charitable donations

• When we focus on overhead, we lose sight of what’s most important: Nonprofit programs that work. If I’m running a nonprofit with low overhead, but its programs aren’t making a difference, should you support my nonprofit? It’s far better to support a more effective nonprofit with higher administrative costs.
• Nonprofits can’t figure out what works if they don’t have the money to measure results or the freedom to take risks. In the business world, there’s a lot of focus on measurement. If a nonprofit can’t spend money on measuring results (that’s overhead), how can we know if its work is effective? Also like good businesses, nonprofits must be allowed to take risks to see if a new program will be more effective in accomplishing its mission. Unfortunately, risk-taking may require increased administrative expenses. That, too, means higher overhead.
• A focus on overhead forces nonprofits to underpay employees. Too often we think that if someone works for a nonprofit, they should be in it for love, not money. Of course it’s good for nonprofit employees to be passionate about their work. But it’s unfair to expect people to struggle financially, because they work for a nonprofit. And if nonprofits want to attract skilled employees, they must be able to offer competitive wages and benefits.
• Pressure to keep overhead expenses down prevents nonprofits from updating aging equipment or buildings. If you want nonprofits to be able to engage in efficient, effective work, they need the tools to do so. When employees have to deal with equipment that breaks down or to work in buildings that need repairs, they won’t be as productive as employees who have well-maintained, up-to-date equipment and work spaces.
• Do you believe in making shopping decisions based on justice, rather than lowest cost? Nonprofits should be able to do that, too. Consumers who care about justice may buy locally produced or fair-trade goods. Nonprofits could make similar spending decisions, but they need to spend more money to do so.

Efficient, effective nonprofits deserve our support.

As I mentioned in the example of the Disabled Veterans National Foundation, overhead isn’t irrelevant. But it shouldn’t be the key factor in our donating decisions. Yes, it’s easier to judge a nonprofit based on one number – overhead – than to try to figure out what nonprofits are efficient and effective at their work. But when we stop focusing on overhead, we give nonprofits the freedom to do better work.

 

News about my book, Geek Culture.

While Geek Culture is photo-heavy and best read in print, people have asked me about a Kindle edition, so after a lot of work on the layout, I’ve published it as an ebook. Kindle Unlimited subscribers can read it for free, or you can purchase it for less than half of the print price.

 

 

Different times of year can be particularly intense for service workers, depending on the industry. If you work in a grocery store, the days leading up to Thanksgiving can be particularly awful. Cashiers in a flower shop might experience the most stress around Valentine’s Day. Certainly, the approach of Christmas is difficult for many people in retail. This is a great time to practice being kind to service workers, but such kindness is important year ’round.

Here are some ways we can spread kindness to the people who serve us:

We can put ourselves in their shoes.

I really think everyone should work a low-level service job early in their life. But some of us have short memories, or we just didn’t have the benefit of working in such a job. Whether or not we know what it’s like to work as a cashier or server, we can try to imagine what the day has been like for the person serving us, and then ask: How would I want to be treated?

One thing we shouldn’t assume: That the person who is serving us wants to work on a holiday. Many businesses don’t ask for volunteers to work a holiday shift; they just schedule people. And while many employers do pay workers extra on holidays, there is no law in the United States that requires that. One Thanksgiving-hater I know worked for a grocery store that was closed that day. When I asked if she would prefer to work on Thanksgiving, she told me that she still liked having the day off. While there are people who are happy to work on a holiday, it’s safe to assume that many would rather be somewhere else.

We can plan ahead.

Sometimes the unexpected happens. The Bumpus’ hounds get into your kitchen and abscond with your turkey, and all of sudden you’re missing the centerpiece of your Christmas dinner. Sometimes it’s not a matter of the unexpected. You may not celebrate a holiday that most of the people around you are celebrating. At times like those, we may be thankful for the grocer or restaurant that’s open on a holiday. But we can keep the demand for holiday workers to a minimum if we plan ahead, making our grocery list and checking it twice — so to speak — and even preparing some dishes earlier in the week.

We can consider dining and entertaining at home.

Not all families have the option of celebrating a holiday together at home. I know of one family that goes out to dinner on Thanksgiving because no one has a home large enough to host a meal that includes everybody. But if we dream of a world where more people can relax and celebrate with loved ones on certain days of the year, we might want to rethink traditions like family outings to the movie theater after holiday dinners. What if we broke out the board games and went to the movies together another time?

We can reconsider recreational shopping and our love of “sales.”

Over the years, Black Friday has crept into Thanksgiving, although as more and more people choose alternative ways of shopping and celebrating, I have hope that this “doors open on Thanksgiving” trend may reverse itself. I also find it ironic that the workers who make the least usually spend Labor Day waiting on those of us who make more than them as we shop Labor Day sales.

What if found ways to celebrate holidays that didn’t involve shopping? What if we started to question the “deals” that entice us to shop on holidays?

We can tip generously.

While service workers appreciate generous tips at any time of the year, this can be especially nice to do for people who are working on a holiday. Service jobs tend to be low-paying jobs. Tips can make a big difference to the people who serve us.

We can choose not to take our bad mood out on the people serving us.

Holidays can be stressful, especially around Thanksgiving and Christmas. We search for parking spots, push through crowded stores, and tackle to-do lists a mile long. It’s important to keep in mind that service workers are not responsible for the fact that the store is out of canned pumpkin or for the long lines at the registers. Take a deep breath, and let it go. It’s better for you and the people who serve you.

(As someone who does not like crowded retail establishments blaring bad Christmas songs over their speaker systems, I often tell myself that next year I’m going to get virtually all of my shopping done before Thanksgiving — not only Christmas shopping, but all the toilet paper and shelf-stable groceries I think I’ll need until January. I’ve never completely succeeded in doing that, but if shopping during this season sets your teeth on edge, it’s something to consider.)

We can clean up after ourselves.

This is another one of those things we should be doing all year, but it’s especially important when retailers are crowded and busy. Whether it’s taking items out of the dressing room when we’re done trying them on or wiping the seat in the public restroom, cleaning up after ourselves makes things more pleasant both for stressed-out service workers and for our fellow shoppers and diners.

We can ask ourselves what we can do for people who work on a holiday.

There will always be a need for people to work on holidays. Hospitals don’t shut down for Christmas. Crime doesn’t stop on Thanksgiving. But there are all sorts of things we can do to try to make working on a holiday a little more joyful. Employers can give extra holiday pay or, if that truly is out of the question, at least offer a meal. Friends and family can plan their celebrations around the schedule of someone who has to work. And those of us who encounter people working on a holiday can go out of our way to be kind — just as we’d like if we had to work on a holiday.