I really should…
Sometimes it feels like there is an overwhelming amount of stuff we should do.
We should exercise, eat right, and get enough sleep. But it’s important not to exercise too close to bedtime or too soon after a meal.
We should create complex passwords that we change frequently and set up two-step verification for all accounts, but it’s important not to get your code via SMS.
We should have multiple streams of income, because no job is safe these days.
If we are homeowners, we should bring in inspectors once a year to check the air conditioner, furnace, roof, pipes and more.
We should only keep things that spark joy.
If we want to live life on our own terms, we should do these 50 things. (I find it ironic and amusing that, in order to live life on my own terms, I should do things like taking cold showers — even though I hate being cold — because the author told me to.)
Many of these things are important and/or good. But if you try to do everything the “experts” say you should do, you’ll end up with an impossible to-do list. One woman came up with a 95-item list of things she should do each day if she were follow advice she found on the Internet.
But wait… there’s more!
Forget the so-called experts. Lots of people in your life — even strangers — will eagerly tell you what you should do. If you are single, you should get married. If you are heterosexual, married, and childless, you should have a baby. If you are a mother, you should stay home with your child until s/he starts school. (A woman once told me, upon discovering I was a working mom, that women wouldn’t have to work outside the home if families went camping instead of taking vacations to Disneyworld or Europe. I kind of regret not using some very strong language to let her know how wrong she was.)
I realize that in some ways, I am telling you what you should do in my blog. But I try hard to make my posts inspirational, not dictatorial.
Take a stand against the “shoulds”
Sometimes I write posts filled with advice for myself. If ever there was advice I needed to follow, it’s this: Stop living your life according to what you should do.
I know that there are things you really should do for your own health and welfare. And if you’re a caregiver, there are things you should do for those you care for. But a life ruled by “shoulds” will leave you feeling like you’re never doing enough. You’ll always need to do more. How are you going to stay on top of a full-time job, a side gig, an exercise routine, healthy home-cooked meals, quality time with loved ones, housework, a 10-step Korean skincare routine, eight hours of sleep, and all the other things you should be doing?
You’re not. Something’s gotta give. Don’t let that something be your mental or physical health.
My life is filled with to-do lists. I’ll never finish them. One way I’ve been working to cope with this is to set boundaries. I try to keep Sundays work-free. (I confess I have blown that commitment this Sunday. One of the many things I’m working on is this blog post!) Taking breaks from all the things I should do and, as much as possible, indulging in some “should-free” time makes me a happier person.
A bigger challenge for me is reducing the “shoulds” in my life. I am addicted to goals and to-do lists. Leo Babauta, a minimalist I admire, talks about a goal-free life. Part of me thinks he has a point, and part of me thinks he is crazy. Related to this “no goals” idea, many people recommend ditching your to-do list in favor of focusing on one thing (or, at most, three things) you must accomplish today. I’ve tried this, but I always feel the weight of the “shoulds” and back down.
Perhaps people like me live by “shoulds” because we’re afraid that otherwise we wouldn’t do many of the things we need to do. If there wasn’t a law about filing our income tax returns by April 15, who among us would get around to doing them, even if we believe in the benefits of taxes? Filling out tax forms is a pain in the ass. So I dutifully add taxes to my to-do list.
What does this have to do with making a difference?
Few of us can entirely escape “shoulds,” but we can resist living a life dominated by them. If you are weighed down by what you should do, you will crumble under that weight or become bitter. Neither of these outcomes is conducive to making a difference in the world.
I have a hard time swallowing it, but Leo’s “no goals” suggestion is a good one. If you stop orienting your life around goals and action steps and start doing what you’re passionate about, it could be life-changing. When your life isn’t full of “shoulds,” you’ll have more time and energy for the things that move you – like making a difference.
In many ways, this idea isn’t all that different from what Jesus said about the greatest commandment. It’s easy to structure your spiritual life around a list of “shoulds”: I should pray. I should give to charity. I should go to worship services. Like many “shoulds,” these aren’t bad things. But if you live a love-oriented life, you’ll end up doing things you should do without needing to follow a checklist.
If you, like me, aren’t ready to give up your goals and to-do lists, consider trying to do the next best thing: start blocking out time on your calendar and fight to keep it “should-free.” As I failed to honor that commitment today, you’ll probably fail sometimes, too. But it’s liberating to spend time not thinking about all the things you should do, so keep trying.
And start questioning all the things you “should” do. You’ve probably seen the bumper sticker: “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” I’d like to propose a variation on that: People who spend their lives doing what they should do will never fully realize would they could do.
Be a rebel. Fight the “shoulds.”