We’re Really Bad at Apologies

Over and over we read news stories about prominent people and even organizations apologizing badly… if they apologize at all.

“I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I’m sorry, but in my defense…”

“I was joking.”

“Mistakes were made.”

“Alright, alright! I’m sorry!”

“You’re too sensitive.”

How to Say “I’m Sorry”

Pope Francis has recently made the news for setting an example of an apology done right.

But what exactly is a good apology?

A good apology starts with a willingness to understand someone else’s perspective.

Before we can sincerely apologize, we have to believe we have something to apologize for.

Let me first acknowledge that sometimes people will pressure us to apologize for something when we truly have done nothing wrong. This can happen in abusive situations. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate not to apologize for something.

But in most cases it is helpful for us to pause and listen to the person or people who would like us to apologize and to empathize with them. When we are willing to listen with humility, we may realize that we’ve engaged in hurtful behavior for which we need to seek forgiveness.

When people say things like “I apologize if I offended anyone,” they usually have failed to empathize with the people they have hurt.

A good apology includes accepting responsibility for our behavior without making excuses.

We need to take full responsibility for our actions. That’s hard. We may indeed have done something in response to another person’s behavior. Maybe a loved one repeatedly lets us down, and one day we lash out and say something hurtful. While we understandably want the other person to take responsibility for their actions, we need to apologize for our behavior without blaming them. The fact is we are fully responsible for how we respond to someone. We need to address our loved one’s behavior separately, without blaming them for what we have done.

A good apology leads to changed behavior.

An apology isn’t just about confessing past wrongdoing and then expecting everything to be fine going forward. We may need to make amends. We may need to pursue help in order to change habitual behaviors that have hurt others. This can be hard, painful work, but it’s necessary if we really are sorry for what we’ve done.

How Should We Respond to Genuine Apologies?

Every single one of us will need to apologize from time to time, but we also will find ourselves on the receiving end of heartfelt apologies. Sometimes we will feel so hurt that we won’t want to give the offender anything, but I believe there are things we need to do when someone offers a genuine apology.

We should try to empathize with the person doing the apologizing.

We don’t need to excuse their behavior. We don’t need to accept an obviously insincere apology. But we should be willing to understand imperfect apologies if they appear to be well-intended. I doubt any of us have always extended perfect apologies; it’s good to remember that when another person is trying to say “I’m sorry.”

We should be willing to forgive.

Genuine apologies can be difficult. That’s why they’re so rare. When we refuse to forgive someone who expresses sincere remorse and attempts to change their behavior, we teach people that they shouldn’t bother to apologize, because nothing they do will make a difference.

Sometimes the damage someone did to a relationship is deep. Forgiveness doesn’t mean denying the hurt. It doesn’t necessarily mean that a relationship will go back to the way it was before the damage was done. It doesn’t mean that the offender gets to have everything the way they want it after they apologize. It does mean that we need to acknowledge that anyone can learn and grow. It means that people don’t need to be defined by their past. It means that we shouldn’t treat someone like a pariah forever when they are working to change. Because if we dream of a better world, we need to allow others — and ourselves — to become better people.

Although there is no longer the same tax incentive for year-end donations that there used to be, you may be contemplating making a charitable gift before 2020… or you may find yourself thinking about making a donation in the future. Either way it’s important to keep this in mind: Do not focus on overhead expenses when you decide what nonprofits you should support.

For years, online resources such as Charity Navigator have emphasized overhead in their ratings of nonprofits. This seems like a wise decision, right? We want our donations to go directly to those we are trying to help. And there are definitely organizations that spend little of what they receive on those they claim to serve. Consumer Reports notes that the Disabled Veterans National Foundation spent only 4 percent of donations on its programs. If you want to help veterans, it’s clearly better to give elsewhere.

But in 2013, GuideStar, Charity Navigator, and the Wise Giving Alliance published an open letter telling America’s donors that overhead is “a poor measure of a charity’s performance.” And Nonprofit Quarterly frequently posts about the importance of focusing less on overhead and more on a nonprofit’s efficiency.

Here’s why we should stop focusing on overhead when deciding where to give our charitable donations

• When we focus on overhead, we lose sight of what’s most important: Nonprofit programs that work. If I’m running a nonprofit with low overhead, but its programs aren’t making a difference, should you support my nonprofit? It’s far better to support a more effective nonprofit with higher administrative costs.
• Nonprofits can’t figure out what works if they don’t have the money to measure results or the freedom to take risks. In the business world, there’s a lot of focus on measurement. If a nonprofit can’t spend money on measuring results (that’s overhead), how can we know if its work is effective? Also like good businesses, nonprofits must be allowed to take risks to see if a new program will be more effective in accomplishing its mission. Unfortunately, risk-taking may require increased administrative expenses. That, too, means higher overhead.
• A focus on overhead forces nonprofits to underpay employees. Too often we think that if someone works for a nonprofit, they should be in it for love, not money. Of course it’s good for nonprofit employees to be passionate about their work. But it’s unfair to expect people to struggle financially, because they work for a nonprofit. And if nonprofits want to attract skilled employees, they must be able to offer competitive wages and benefits.
• Pressure to keep overhead expenses down prevents nonprofits from updating aging equipment or buildings. If you want nonprofits to be able to engage in efficient, effective work, they need the tools to do so. When employees have to deal with equipment that breaks down or to work in buildings that need repairs, they won’t be as productive as employees who have well-maintained, up-to-date equipment and work spaces.
• Do you believe in making shopping decisions based on justice, rather than lowest cost? Nonprofits should be able to do that, too. Consumers who care about justice may buy locally produced or fair-trade goods. Nonprofits could make similar spending decisions, but they need to spend more money to do so.

Efficient, effective nonprofits deserve our support.

As I mentioned in the example of the Disabled Veterans National Foundation, overhead isn’t irrelevant. But it shouldn’t be the key factor in our donating decisions. Yes, it’s easier to judge a nonprofit based on one number – overhead – than to try to figure out what nonprofits are efficient and effective at their work. But when we stop focusing on overhead, we give nonprofits the freedom to do better work.

 

News about my book, Geek Culture.

While Geek Culture is photo-heavy and best read in print, people have asked me about a Kindle edition, so after a lot of work on the layout, I’ve published it as an ebook. Kindle Unlimited subscribers can read it for free, or you can purchase it for less than half of the print price.

 

 

Different times of year can be particularly intense for service workers, depending on the industry. If you work in a grocery store, the days leading up to Thanksgiving can be particularly awful. Cashiers in a flower shop might experience the most stress around Valentine’s Day. Certainly, the approach of Christmas is difficult for many people in retail. This is a great time to practice being kind to service workers, but such kindness is important year ’round.

Here are some ways we can spread kindness to the people who serve us:

We can put ourselves in their shoes.

I really think everyone should work a low-level service job early in their life. But some of us have short memories, or we just didn’t have the benefit of working in such a job. Whether or not we know what it’s like to work as a cashier or server, we can try to imagine what the day has been like for the person serving us, and then ask: How would I want to be treated?

One thing we shouldn’t assume: That the person who is serving us wants to work on a holiday. Many businesses don’t ask for volunteers to work a holiday shift; they just schedule people. And while many employers do pay workers extra on holidays, there is no law in the United States that requires that. One Thanksgiving-hater I know worked for a grocery store that was closed that day. When I asked if she would prefer to work on Thanksgiving, she told me that she still liked having the day off. While there are people who are happy to work on a holiday, it’s safe to assume that many would rather be somewhere else.

We can plan ahead.

Sometimes the unexpected happens. The Bumpus’ hounds get into your kitchen and abscond with your turkey, and all of sudden you’re missing the centerpiece of your Christmas dinner. Sometimes it’s not a matter of the unexpected. You may not celebrate a holiday that most of the people around you are celebrating. At times like those, we may be thankful for the grocer or restaurant that’s open on a holiday. But we can keep the demand for holiday workers to a minimum if we plan ahead, making our grocery list and checking it twice — so to speak — and even preparing some dishes earlier in the week.

We can consider dining and entertaining at home.

Not all families have the option of celebrating a holiday together at home. I know of one family that goes out to dinner on Thanksgiving because no one has a home large enough to host a meal that includes everybody. But if we dream of a world where more people can relax and celebrate with loved ones on certain days of the year, we might want to rethink traditions like family outings to the movie theater after holiday dinners. What if we broke out the board games and went to the movies together another time?

We can reconsider recreational shopping and our love of “sales.”

Over the years, Black Friday has crept into Thanksgiving, although as more and more people choose alternative ways of shopping and celebrating, I have hope that this “doors open on Thanksgiving” trend may reverse itself. I also find it ironic that the workers who make the least usually spend Labor Day waiting on those of us who make more than them as we shop Labor Day sales.

What if found ways to celebrate holidays that didn’t involve shopping? What if we started to question the “deals” that entice us to shop on holidays?

We can tip generously.

While service workers appreciate generous tips at any time of the year, this can be especially nice to do for people who are working on a holiday. Service jobs tend to be low-paying jobs. Tips can make a big difference to the people who serve us.

We can choose not to take our bad mood out on the people serving us.

Holidays can be stressful, especially around Thanksgiving and Christmas. We search for parking spots, push through crowded stores, and tackle to-do lists a mile long. It’s important to keep in mind that service workers are not responsible for the fact that the store is out of canned pumpkin or for the long lines at the registers. Take a deep breath, and let it go. It’s better for you and the people who serve you.

(As someone who does not like crowded retail establishments blaring bad Christmas songs over their speaker systems, I often tell myself that next year I’m going to get virtually all of my shopping done before Thanksgiving — not only Christmas shopping, but all the toilet paper and shelf-stable groceries I think I’ll need until January. I’ve never completely succeeded in doing that, but if shopping during this season sets your teeth on edge, it’s something to consider.)

We can clean up after ourselves.

This is another one of those things we should be doing all year, but it’s especially important when retailers are crowded and busy. Whether it’s taking items out of the dressing room when we’re done trying them on or wiping the seat in the public restroom, cleaning up after ourselves makes things more pleasant both for stressed-out service workers and for our fellow shoppers and diners.

We can ask ourselves what we can do for people who work on a holiday.

There will always be a need for people to work on holidays. Hospitals don’t shut down for Christmas. Crime doesn’t stop on Thanksgiving. But there are all sorts of things we can do to try to make working on a holiday a little more joyful. Employers can give extra holiday pay or, if that truly is out of the question, at least offer a meal. Friends and family can plan their celebrations around the schedule of someone who has to work. And those of us who encounter people working on a holiday can go out of our way to be kind — just as we’d like if we had to work on a holiday.

Have you and your loved ones agreed to give gifts that make a difference this year? Do you know someone who would appreciate a gift that helps others? Check out these ideas for alternative gifts.

Make a donation.

If your loved one doesn’t want a tangible gift, consider the issues that are important to them and make a donation to a nonprofit related to one of those issues. Are they concerned about wildlife? Consider the World Wildlife Fund. Are they interested in fighting slavery? You might want to donate to International Justice Mission. There are countless nonprofits doing good work, so do some research and find an organization that you know your loved one would support.

Note that some organizations allow you to enter the name of the person you are honoring when you make a donation online, but others do not. In my mind, that isn’t a big deal. I simply let the gift recipient know that I made a donation to a particular organization in their honor, even if I couldn’t officially register the gift as such with the nonprofit.

Give a heifer or shoes or…

Some organizations offer you the opportunity to make a donation that feels a little more specific than “I donated $x to [NAME OF CHARITY] in your name.” In a few cases, such as Soles4Souls, you really are giving a very specific item to someone in poverty. In the case of Soles4Souls, you would either bring shoes to a drop-off location or order them through Zappos for Good. (If you are dropping off shoes as a donation in someone’s name, I suggest buying new shoes rather than donating gently used shoes.)

But in most cases, you are really just making a donation to the organization in a cute way by supposedly tying it to something. For example, I could “give a heifer” in someone’s name by making a $500 donation to Heifer International, but the organization would not necessarily give a heifer to a poor family with that money. Instead, they would use the donation in a way that would best meet the needs of the people they serve. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. The gift is symbolic. But you should understand this about such charitable gift catalogs before you make your donation.

Purchase a t-shirt, bag or other item that benefits a nonprofit.

If you know that the gift recipient would like a tangible gift but would also like to support a nonprofit, consider purchasing an item from the organization’s gift shop. In many cases, the item you purchase will have the name of the organization on it. Preemptive Love, which I mentioned in a recent post, is just one of many organizations you can support through the purchase of clothing and other goods.

Give a gift that supports job training for those who need it most.

While all jobs provide some sort of training or valuable experience for employees, some social enterprises focus their employment opportunities on those who face significant barriers, such as people who were formerly incarcerated. Some organizations, such as Women’s Bean Project and Thistle Farms, sell goods online. You can also find local organizations, such as restaurants, that you can support. If you’d like to pursue that route, you might want to Google “social enterprise restaurant [your city’s name]” and then let the gift recipient know that you will be treating them to a meal at one of the restaurants that you discover through your search.

Give a fair-trade gift.

Rather than purchasing an item made overseas by people who work long hours for very little pay, consider giving a fair-trade gift that allows families to earn fair wages and pursue a better future. Fair-trade shops, such as Ten Thousand Villages and SERRV, sell items such as clothing, housewares, toys, and more.

Purchase gifts from an artist or small business.

So many of our gifts come from major retailers. People with artistic careers (or side jobs) and owners of small businesses could really use our support. Would any of the people you are giving gifts to appreciate artistic prints, books, or tickets to performances? If you know someone wants a game, can you find it at a small, independent store rather than a big-box retailer? What if, instead of looking for inspiration at a major online site or by wandering through a national chain store, you checked out a local shop instead? In this way, you’d be giving two gifts: one to the recipient, and one to a person who is struggling to make a living in the face of Goliath-sized competition.

Earlier this year actor David Tennant launched a podcast titled, appropriately enough, David Tennant Does a Podcast. In each episode he interviewed a celebrity. Frequently David and his guest would talk about how that person’s fame had destroyed their ability to go out in public. If they had small children, they were particularly dismayed about how their fame affected their children’s lives.

So what?

There are a host of problems in the world: climate change, income inequality, racism… the list goes on and on. Why on earth should we care about whether or not privileged celebrities and their families can go out in public without being harassed? And, really, isn’t the inability to go out in public a fair trade-off for the wealth and power that celebrities have?

Here’s the problem with believing that lack of privacy is a trade-off for fame and fortune: This does nothing to solve problems such as income inequality. Furthermore, celebrities are human beings. We should recognize their humanity and treat them as people who have value. Not greater value than the people we see every day (the fact that we often overemphasize celebrities’ value is, after all, why celebrities are hounded in public). But celebrities and their families do have value, and as such, we should respect their human need for privacy and leave them alone.

But I really like [Name’s] work, and I want to tell them so.

It’s fine to enjoy someone’s work and want to let them know that. The key is to seek out forums where expressing that admiration is welcome.

• Many celebrities make themselves available to the public at specific times and places, such as fandom conventions and book tours. Yes, you may have to pay to get your favorite celebrity’s autograph or picture, and you will almost certainly have to stand in line with many other fans. But these are the most appropriate times to shake someone’s hand and let them know you’re a big fan.
• Some celebrities are active on social media. While they may not respond, this is a great place to send them a message letting them know that you loved their most recent performance.
• If all else fails, you can always send a fan letter. I know, I know. It’s not at all the same as talking to a celebrity in person. But if your intent is really to express your admiration, fan mail is a perfectly acceptable way of doing this.

Aren’t the paparazzi the real problem?

The paparazzi are definitely part of the problem. But if we stopped showing an appetite for celebrity gossip, the paparazzi would no longer exist.

Want to learn more about someone famous? Many celebrities promote their careers through interviews. Others may publish a memoir. If we use these channels for more information on our favorite celebrities, we can hear their stories without intruding on their privacy.

I know that in light of all the problems in the world, it seems shallow to say that you can make a difference by leaving celebrities alone. But stepping back and giving them space takes virtually no effort on our part and doesn’t interfere with our efforts to do good in other areas. In fact, if we give less attention to celebrities, we will have more to give to the things that really matter.

What about famous people whose decisions directly affect others? Are you saying we shouldn’t speak up in the name of justice to political or business leaders if we see them in public?

No. I see that as a different topic. There are still strong arguments against approaching those leaders in public, but there are also valid reasons for doing so. (Christians, if you want to see one argument in favor of pestering leaders in the name of justice, read the Parable of the Persistent Widow in Luke 8:1-18. While the parable is about persistent prayer, note that the hero in the story is a woman who repeatedly approaches an unjust judge, seeking justice.)

This is the first in an occasional series of posts about organizations you might want to support with your time and/or money as you strive to make a difference in the world.

What is Preemptive Love Coalition?

When we think of “preemptive” action, it’s often in a violent sense: preemptive strikes, preemptive wars. But what if we decided to take Jesus’ words “love your enemies” seriously and engaged in preemptive love?

Preemptive Love Coalition was founded in 2007 in Iraq by Jeremy and Jessica Courtney. Much of their work is in Iraq and Syria, although they also work at the U.S.-Mexico border, and in Iran, Libya, Israel and Palestine, and the Korean peninsula. Preemptive Love’s purpose it to bring aid as close to the frontlines of conflict as possible and to help families rebuild their lives after the need for immediate aid has passed.

Preemptive Love is a peacemaking organization that believes we need to “love anyway” — even across enemy lines. Its staff and volunteers include Christians and Muslims, Iraqis and Americans, veterans and pacifists. The organization doesn’t sweep in to deliver what it perceives to be the needs of the people it serves; it asks them what they need and partners with local organizations to meet those needs. Preemptive Love depends on private donations, not UN or government funding.

How can I get involved in their work?

• First and foremost, you can donate to support their work. Of course one-time donations are great, but regular monthly gifts are even better, giving them a steady stream of contributions they can count on.
• Pulling together your shopping list for holiday gift-giving? Consider purchasing gifts from Preemptive Love’s online store. You can help families who are rebuilding their lives by purchasing soap, candles, and knitted goods that they’ve made. You also can buy items like t-shirts and reusable bags to support Preemptive Love’s work.
• I strongly encourage you to sign up to receive email messages from Preemptive Love (a sign-up form is on their homepage). This organization sends messages that are worth opening. This summer they asked people on their contact list if they wanted to sign up for a weekly series of challenges that would encourage readers to “love anyway” right where they are. What a great resource for people who want to make a difference!
• You also can subscribe to their podcast. Like their email messages, the podcast is well worth your time. Not only will you learn more about Preemptive Love’s work, but you’ll hear episodes that will inspire you to act as a peacemaker in your own community.
• If you use social media, follow Preemptive Love on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.
• Want to be even more involved in their work? You can volunteer for them or apply for an open job.
• And, of course, you can spread the word about their work, as I’m doing here.

If you believe in the importance of love, I can think of no better organization to support than Preemptive Love Coalition.

Full disclosure: At the time I’m writing this, I do not financially support Preemptive Love Coalition’s work. I hope to be able to do so in the near future.

 

I’m not in favor of single-issue voting. Pick any issue you that you think is of utmost importance. If you found a candidate who would make great strides on that one issue but would otherwise make horrible decisions on all other issues, do you really think that person would be a good leader? What if, on top of all of that, that person had a terrible character? What if they lied and said horrible things about other people and used their political office for their own gain? Would advancing one issue that you see as being more important than all others really be worth it?

There are people who vote based on one issue. I hear most often about abortion being the single issue that moves a voter to pick a particular candidate. Gun control also inspires some people to pledge that they will only vote for candidates that mirror their beliefs. I understand feeling strongly about particular issues. I just believe that blindly voting for candidates based on their stance on just one issue can result in poor leadership.

But if there’s one issue that determines your vote, it should be climate change.

The evidence is clear: We are facing a climate crisis. And while some people believe it’s too late to fix things, others are more optimistic. If we are going to change things, we need to be realistic: Individual decisions matter, but the biggest contributors to climate change are corporations, and since corporations tend to value short-term profit, we need leaders who will set laws that will favor wise environmental choices, even at the expense of short-term gain. We need public policy to guide the way.

And if we don’t do anything about the climate crisis, no other pet issues will matter. The likelihood of extreme weather events, such as hurricanes, droughts, and extreme heat, will increase. More people will be displaced due to climate change. The warming climate will have a negative impact on biodiversity. And, just focusing on the U.S. economy alone, the effects of climate change will cost billions of dollars. One of the more pessimistic scenarios predicts “a high likelihood of human civilization coming to an end” by 2050 if we cannot stop climate change.

Beside such scenarios, any other single issue fades in terms of its significance.

Please don’t be a single-issue voter.

I want to return to what I said at the outset: I don’t believe in single-issue voting. The world is too complex for us to hold one issue up as the sole reason to vote for or against a candidate. I am deeply troubled by the notion of electing a morally repugnant individual simply because that person will support our pet issue. But if you disagree with me, if you feel that sometimes you have to put one issue above all others, then make it climate change. No other issue impacts so many different aspects of life. And if we don’t act now, it may be too late.

 

If you love wildlife and want to make a difference, you may wonder if you should feed wild birds. I’ve heard that providing food (and water and shelter) for birds is helpful. I’ve also heard that feeding wild birds can be harmful, making them dependent on you. Confused, I decided to do some research.

Here’s what I’ve learned: not only about feeding wild birds, but about other ways that we can we help them.

Should I feed them?

The short answer is yes. But you need to do so thoughtfully.

First and foremost, feeding birds probably does not make them dependent on us. Your bird feeder is almost certainly just one source of food for visiting birds, and if it is removed, they will find other sources.

But there are other concerns to consider besides dependency on feeders. One concern is predators, ranging from raptors to cats. Cats are a very real concern, but there are steps you can take to reduce their access to the birds at your feeder, including keeping feeders away from shrubbery that cats can hide in. And, for heaven’s sake, if you have a cat, keep it indoors! As for raptors, I tend to agree with Bird Watcher’s Digest: “it is all part of nature.”

More importantly, feeding birds can lead to bird strikes against windows, although this can be prevented by the appropriate placement of the feeders (Bird Watcher’s Digest suggests keeping feeders within five feet of a window or at least 30 feet away, as well as reducing the amount of reflective surfaces on windows.) And feeding birds can aid in the spread of disease among birds; however, keeping feeders clean and selecting bird seed with care can greatly reduce the chance that birds will become sick as a result of visiting your feeder.

As to whether or not feeding birds is helpful, most studies show that winter feeding can help birds survive harsh winters in better condition, although a couple of studies in the U.K. showed potential harmful effects in bird reproduction.

Despite the (mostly) positive news about feeding birds during the winter, the Cornell Lab of Ornithology points out that the most threatened species tend to be birds that don’t visit feeders, such as shorebirds and tropical species. Nevertheless, the lab encourages people to keep feeding birds, because doing so connects people to the natural world. And, when you feel more connected to the natural world, you are more likely to be an environmental advocate.

What else can I do to help wild birds?

• Learn about when and how to rescue birds. Most baby birds do not need to be “rescued,” and of those that do, sometimes the rescue is as simple as returning a nestling to its nest. In the case of obviously sick or injured birds, one of the best approaches you can take is to look up your local wildlife rehabilitation center and contact them for advice or assistance.
• Take birds into account as you landscape. Reduce the size of your lawn (or eliminate it altogether!) and add native plants that can provide birds in your area with food and shelter. Avoid using pesticides and herbicides.
• Educate yourself about light pollution and take steps to fight it. Light pollution affects bird migration patterns, among other things.
• Be a citizen scientist. You can help provide data for wildlife organizations by participating in bird counts. Within the U.S., the National Audubon Society sponsors the Christmas Bird Count and the Great Backyard Bird Count. You may be able to find additional bird counts in your area.
• Keep this in mind: When you do things to preserve and protect the environment, you are helping birds. Whatever you do to fight climate change, support biodiversity, and avoid pollution has an effect on birds. When you’re a good steward, birds benefit.

Note: While I write from my perspective as a Christian, I do not consider this a Christian blog. That said, this is an explicitly Christian post. I hope that all of my readers, whatever their faith, will find some value in my musings about unity and diversity, despite the fact that my focus is on unity and diversity in the church. Thanks for being a reader.

If I asked you who the Church belonged to, how would you answer? Perhaps you’d need me to clarify my question: Was I talking about a particular church? If so, you’d say something like, “Saint Mark’s belongs to the Catholics.” But once I clarified that I’m talking about the Church as a whole, you’d probably answer, “It belongs to God” or “It belongs to Jesus.”

And I would agree with you. But that answer raises another question: Why do people get bent out of shape when the church they attend no longer looks or acts like them?

It’s easy to find articles and even entire books written by men about the feminization of the church. These men argue that more men would attend church if it was more masculine. They believe that, even if women don’t see themselves represented in the pulpit, most male pastors are feminine men, too touchy-feely for “real men.”

I strongly encourage you to read Kristen Rosser’s response to such criticisms. She suggests that we should, perhaps, change the question from “Why are so few men going to church?” to “Why are so many women attending church?” If women feel valued and welcomed, isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that the delicious fruit of God’s radical upside-down kingdom? Rosser also questions typical constructs of masculinity and femininity and addresses the misogyny behind comments about churches being too “feminine.” The problem isn’t that some men are expressing a need to feel more welcome at church. The problem is the assumptions and attitudes behind many of the statements made to justify the notion that churches have been feminized.

In the end, arguments about the feminization of the church may be irrelevant, since the gender gap in U.S. churches has declined since the 1980s.

But complaints about churches being too feminine aren’t the only controversies you’ll hear about representation in church. Even as some  churches strive to increase racial diversity, all too often people of color are expected to assimilate to white, middle-class culture. Chanequa Walker-Barnes notes, “At a highly diverse megachurch … the white senior pastor publicly announced that in hiring a music minister, he was looking for an African American who would ‘play white.'”

That’s not what true diversity looks like. Instead, it’s like an analogy given by Rev. Dr. Soong-Chan Rah: “If I’m a guest in your house, you might fix kimchi for me, but you can throw it out after I leave. But if I’m living with you, that kimchi’s going to be in your refrigerator for a long time, and your milk is going to start tasting like kimchi, and you might not like it as much as when it was just a random, one-night visit.” Such diversity may make us uncomfortable, but discomfort helps us grow.

If churches are to reflect God’s inclusiveness, we need to allow those who are not like us to change us. We need to stop arguing about masculinity and femininity in church and instead focus on maturity. We need to be willing to talk about things that make us uncomfortable, to worship in styles that we’re not used to, and to accept leadership from people who are nothing like us. Because the church doesn’t belong to any one group of people. It belongs to Christ, in whom we are all one (Galatians 3:28). And if I say, “Of course we are all one” but insist on having things my way, then I don’t understand what “oneness” means.

Let’s start learning to be more comfortable with discomfort and work toward churches that reflect all of us.