Category: Make a Difference

This is yet another unplanned post.

About a week and a half ago, I was shaken by the death of someone I knew. Doug was the well-loved leader of a department that I worked in for many years. He was only 63 when he died suddenly.

His death made me thoughtful. Of course, I thought about the things one usually does when someone dies. I thought about how important it is to say things like “I love you” and “thank you” before we lose that opportunity. I thought about how you shouldn’t put everything off for an imaginary golden future, like retirement, because that day may never come.

Grandma, I Want to Be Just Like You

I also thought about the year I lost all three of my grandparents, one after another. (I’d never known the fourth.) The last death — the death of a grandmother — hit me the hardest. I found myself yearning to be like her. Although there were many qualities I admired about her, I latched onto her elegance, perhaps because it is one of the ways I am least like her. For several months, I tried to become a more elegant person… but there was a problem. I was trying to become someone I’m really not.

Had Grandma been able to talk with me, I don’t think she would have wanted me to honor her like that. There were so many things about her that were far more important. She was a dedicated volunteer. She loved her grandchildren fiercely, and she let us know it. She was a good friend. She was a woman of faith. Her elegance fascinated me, but it paled in comparison to the qualities of her heart.

Letting Doug Teach Me How to Lead

As my former coworkers shared their memories of Doug online, I reflected on his leadership. I also thought about my own supervisory role and asked myself, “How can I be more like Doug?”

Doug was great about recognizing good work. He would write a note to the person or team he was praising and to their supervisors. He’d post a copy of the note on a bulletin board in our conference room. Celebration and togetherness were important to him. We had an annual off-site retreat that was a combination of work and fun. We celebrated birthdays and had an off-site Christmas party. These said a lot about how he thought of us as a sort of family. But he didn’t ask us to spend so much time in the office that we sacrificed our relationships outside of work. Work was not a substitute family. It was an additional family.

I’m very different from Doug. I cannot be just like him anymore than I could be just like my grandma. But I can think of what we all admired about him and try to carry that spirit into my own supervisory role.

Our Lives Are Our Legacies

How do you want to be remembered? How do you want people to honor you? What sort of legacy do you want to leave?

Few of us will be able to leave large gifts of money. And of those gifts that we leave behind, some will create ripples of long-lasting good (think of gifts that help preserve wilderness areas or that establish college scholarships), but others will stand for a while and then fade away. Colleges really do need to replace old, out-dated buildings, but someday the new buildings also will need to be replaced.

Few of us will do great things. We may admire the people who change the world, but most of us will effect change on a much smaller scale.

Few of us will leave behind works of art or inventions that will touch lives for generations to come.

Instead, our very lives must be our legacies. We need to live in such a way that we inspire others to imitate our best qualities.

I believe that if we could speak to our departed loved ones and tell them that they inspired us to be better people, they would feel like we had honored them in the best way possible.

When someone dies, we express our love and our grief in all sorts of ways. We decorate graves. We light candles. We make donations in their names. We hang on to mementos.

None of these things are bad. Making a donation is quite good. But one of the best ways we can honor those who have gone before us is to learn from them. We don’t need to try to become someone we are not, but we can think of what we most admire about others and how we might express those virtues in our own lives. Perhaps someday someone who reports to a person you mentored will say, “I love the way my boss shows how much she appreciates people. I want to be like that.” They may never know you or the person who inspired you, but the legacy will live on.

A friend once observed that if someone asks a group of children at church a question, any question, at least some of the children will answer, “God!” or “Jesus!” Their thinking goes something like this, “Since I’m in church, the correct answer must be ‘God’ or ‘Jesus.'”

I believe in truth, though sometimes it’s hard to suss out. I do not believe that reality is whatever I determine it is.

But sometimes our expectations twist the answers people give us. The example I started with is merely a humorous case of kids engaging in faulty reasoning. But in a much more serious vein, if we pressure people to meet our expectations about what is “right,” even in areas that have more to do with opinions or feelings than with facts, we lose the opportunity to allow people to be real and to engage in honest dialogue with us.

You Shouldn’t Feel That Way

How often has someone told you (or have you told someone), “You should (or shouldn’t) feel _____”? How often has someone implied that with a question like, “Don’t you just love (or hate) _____?”

Expecting “right” answers when it comes to feelings hurts people who don’t feel the way we expect them to.

Women struggling with postpartum depression may feel compelled to lie, hiding their crushing fears and doubt as people beam at them and ask, “Don’t you just love being a mother?” or “Don’t you just love your new baby?”

A friend who was laid off from the job he hated may be wrestling with the fact that he feels distressed about the layoff. People can experience complicated feelings around major life events. Your friend is probably already telling himself, “What’s wrong with me? I hated that job. I should be happy to be leaving it.” He doesn’t need you to say that to him. The kindest thing you can do is just listen, giving your friend space to wrestle with his mixed emotions.

Shame On You!

One of the worst forms of pressure to feel a certain way is shaming. Some of us believe that people don’t feel enough shame these days. If only we brought back shame, we think, fewer people would _______. 

Indeed, shame can motivate us to change. But many people who study shame as a motivator believe it has more to do with failure to live up to one’s own standards than with failure to meet the approval of others. And shaming can backfire, causing a person to retreat into the very behaviors others are so “helpfully” trying to “fix.”

Your Doubt Makes Me Uncomfortable

Perhaps my friend’s observation about children in church answering all questions with “Jesus” or “God” says something about the rigidity of our places of worship. It’s not that it’s wrong to proclaim that there is such a thing as truth. Nor is there anything wrong with stating that some behavior is right and some is wrong. But there needs to be room for people to be real and to wrestle with their doubts, their questions, and their emotions.

In one adult Sunday School class I attended, we broke up into small groups to discuss something. I can’t remember the subject of our conversation. But I do remember that one person said, “I’m not sure that I believe Jesus even existed as a historical person.” I’m glad he had the courage to speak openly about his thoughts and feelings. But I don’t think any of us were completely comfortable with what he had to say. I know that I was shocked. This guy was in church every Sunday… and he wasn’t even sure if Jesus existed?

But many Christians, even famous Christians, have struggled with doubt. Why don’t we make room for it? Are we afraid doubt is catching, like a disease? Are we afraid that one person’s doubts will expose our own? Do we feel challenged by their doubts? None of these are good reasons to discourage others from being honest.

Likewise, we need to allow others to voice their questions and to disagree with us. People who ask hard questions or disagree with us on cherished beliefs make us squirm, but if we cannot allow their differences and questions because we are afraid, our beliefs are built on a weak foundation. And if we don’t welcome people who hold different opinions and ask challenging questions, the message we are sending is: Either pretend to be like me or leave.

My Way or the Highway

Ever been in a meeting with one person who sees a flaw in every plan?

We need that person.

Too often, our offices and our volunteer boards are dominated by strong personalities. These people are happy to rise to the challenge of leadership, but they may fall into the trap of believing their way is the only way. Woe to those who question or disagree with the leader.

But like everyone else, leaders aren’t perfect. They can be wrong. We need people to ask hard questions and challenge popular wisdom. Of course, these contrarians can also be wrong. But if we aren’t willing to entertain alternative thinking, people may hold back good ideas or choose not to point out problems out of fear. Our organizations will weaken as a result.

Boys Don’t Cry

Sometimes we determine what is “right” for people to feel or like or experience based on who they are. Although I’ve noticed shifts in this practice over the past decade, we often divide things like room decor into stuff for boys, featuring sports, dinosaurs, or superheroes, and stuff for girls, featuring ballerinas, flowers, or ponies. As adults, we’re told that relationships are more important to women, while men tie their identities to their careers. How many people choose not to be honest about their preferences or question their masculinity or femininity because they don’t fit what they have been told is “normal” for their gender?

Of course we use other categories, including race and age, to determine what we think a person “should” do, think, or feel. Senior citizens shouldn’t be interested in sex. People of color shouldn’t support Republicans. (If this is the first post by me that you’ve read, you should know that I lean to the left and am deeply disgusted with most Republicans right now. Nevertheless, I am bothered when my fellow liberals tell people of color — or poor people or members of the LGBT community or women — who they should or should not vote for, as if they were unable to think for themselves.)

Just the Facts?

There are plenty of things that are factual — even when people deny the facts. The Holocaust and the moon landing both occurred. Getting our children vaccinated is far more likely to protect them than harm them. Our planet’s climate is changing.

But there’s a lot that falls outside of the realm of the factual. Feelings, opinions, and preferences vary from person to person. People have doubts and questions about things we hold dear. Let’s allow people to be themselves, even if they don’t give us the “right” answers. Then they no longer have to carry the burden of meeting unrealistic expectations. Then we can talk, listen, and work toward understanding and being there for each other. We can make a difference just by giving people the freedom not to conform to our notions of what’s right.

My post on civility yesterday got far more than the usual amount of feedback on Facebook. Some of the responses explored nuances I failed to consider. Others led me to believe that I had leaned into the notion of civility so much that I did not made it clear that I believe strongly in speaking up. So I thought I’d break with my normal blogging schedule to revisit the topic.

What is civility anyway?

Let’s start with a definition of civility — something I didn’t bother with in yesterday’s post. According to Merriam-Webster, civility means: “civilized conduct, especially: courtesy, politeness; a polite act of expression.”

When I think of civility, I think of the first part of this definition: “civilized conduct.” In my mind, civility is common decency. It’s taking the high road. Once you bring politeness into the definition, I wonder if civility is overrated after all. As I mentioned in my last post, Jesus was not always polite.

Both civility and incivility are difficult to define. It’s easy for someone who is offended to point to behavior and call it “incivility.” But if you offend someone, you weren’t necessarily uncivil. Incivility is offensive. But legitimate protest can also come across as offensive to the targets of the protest. John the Baptist told Herod, “It is not lawful for you to have your brother’s wife” (Mark 6:18). Herod reacted by throwing him into prison. John was offensive but perfectly civil.

When is it okay to…?

Another problem is deciding when behavior is or is not civil. There are so many gray areas. Is swearing uncivil? If we don’t measure incivility by whether or not people are offended, then is swearing always okay? What about when Samantha Bee called Ivanka Trump a c*nt? As I mentioned in my post yesterday, Jesus called the Pharisees “brood of vipers,” among many other things. Bee used a word many people consider offensive. Other than that, is there any difference between what she had to say and what Jesus had to say? Perhaps because I see c*nt as an incredibly sexist term, I have a problem with Bee’s language. To me, it stoops to incivility. Other people might say that harsh times call for harsh language.

Reflecting on Jesus’ terms for the Pharisees brings another problem to mind: Is it ever okay to use dehumanizing language? Despite the frequent comparison of people with animals these days, the general consensus seems to be that such language isn’t civil. This gives those of us who are Christians something to wrestle with. As this Methodist pastor points out, the prophetic voice can be pretty harsh. But when is it okay to compare people to animals, and when is it not okay?

Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about civility at all. It’s not in the Bible. As one friend pointed out, we are called to be loving, which isn’t the same as being civil.

This friend also noted that the command to turn the other cheek is a command to individuals on how they should respond to individuals. She’s right. I’ll take her point even further: Too often “turn the other cheek” is hurled by those in power at those without power, encouraging them to put up with abuse in the name of Jesus. I don’t know if he ever literally told a woman to “turn the other cheek,” but think of the way Paige Patterson counseled abused women to pray for their husbands rather than leave the situation or report the abuse to the police. Jesus did tell us to “turn the other cheek.” But we need to be careful that we aren’t using that command to uphold injustice.

So, where does that leave us?

All I’ve done in this post is to point out problems: problems with my last post and problems with trying define civility and incivility.

But I stand behind my main point in yesterday’s post: We should not stoop to behavior that we condemn in others — even if it means losing the midterm election. I realize that things are bad. I believe we need to do everything within our power — within the bounds of common decency — to turn the tide. But we need to look carefully at our own behavior. Are we living up to the standards to which we hold our opponents?

It is ridiculous that this administration got upset over the fact that Sarah Sanders was asked to leave a restaurant, given the things Trump says and does on a daily basis. And whether or not you think Stephanie Wilkinson’s behavior to Sanders was uncivil, it would be too mild to use “incivility” to describe some of the responses to the Red Hen incident. People have thrown eggs and excrement at the Red Hen (and other restaurants with that name). They’ve made death threats (and these threats have reached people who have nothing to do with the Red Hen in Virginia). Death threats aren’t uncivil; they are evil. This sort of behavior makes me reluctant to criticize Wilkinson.

But in the end, I believe it comes down to this: How do you feel about the Supreme Court’s decision to allow businesses to refuse service to gay couples who are getting married? Do you believe this ruling protects the religious freedom of the business owners? Then you have to accept that Wilkinson, too, was making a decision about the morality of someone’s behavior. She refused service to Sanders because she didn’t want to support her behavior.

If you believe that businesses should not be allowed to discriminate against gay couples, why was it okay for Wilkinson to refuse service to Sanders based on her feelings about Sanders’ behavior? Maybe she should have tried another approach — something along the lines of what the cast of Hamilton did when Mike Pence attended the show. She could have served the table herself and asked Sander to reconsider her continued defense of Trump’s policies.

Civility is a slippery thing to pin down. I don’t know if this follow-up post has really done any good in trying to clarify my thoughts on the issue. And in the end, I am not God. I have no doubt that I am wrong about many things. But I believe that we need to wrestle with this issue and to hold ourselves to high standards — even while we fight for change. As I said in yesterday’s post, doing the right thing doesn’t guarantee a win. But we must not embrace that which have condemned in others for the sake of winning.

I hadn’t planned on talking about politics and civility in this week’s post; however sometimes current events dictate a change in plans.

A co-owner of the Red Hen restaurant told Sarah Sanders to leave. Representative Maxine Waters called on people to push back against members of Trump’s cabinet. “Civility” has become the word of the week, and a quotation from Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2016 Democratic National Convention has resurfaced: “When they go low, we go high.”

Where does taking the high road get you?

That statement seems like weakness now. Where has taking the high road gotten Democrats? Trump was elected President of the United States, despite the way he mocked and bullied others. The Republican party has largely lined up behind him. And their wins are piling up right and left.

Republicans stalled President Obama’s Supreme Court pick for more than seven months, waiting hopefully (and successfully) for the election of a Republican president. Can you blame Democrats for wanting to play a similar game prior to the midterm election? The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a baker who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple. How is that different from asking someone you see as defending unethical behavior to leave your restaurant?

On top of this, many people are beginning to feel disenfranchised. The Supreme Court recently upheld both voter roll purges and gerrymandering. A President who did not win the popular vote will soon swing the already conservative court even further to the right. Why shouldn’t people make themselves heard through heckling their opponents and telling them they aren’t welcome?

I certainly understand the current rash of incivility. Civility seems to get us nowhere — perhaps on a personal level with neighbors or at work, but not on a national level. Incivility has seemingly won the day. Why not just do what works? Why not do unto others as they have done unto us?

Is this about winning or about doing the right thing?

But how can I say I am a Christian if I refuse to actually follow the one I call “Lord”? Over and over again, Jesus said to his disciples, “Go the extra mile, turn the other cheek, take up your cross and follow me.” When they go low, we go high…

Here’s the rub… people who have taken Jesus seriously don’t always win in worldly terms. The Bible does say, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” (Proverbs 25:21-22, which Paul quoted in his letter to the Romans.) But beyond the (hopeful) satisfaction of shaming your enemy, there’s no guarantee that kindness will get you anywhere in this world.

If Democrats choose civility, it would be nice to think there would be a reward in the upcoming midterms; however things could continue down the current path, thus reinforcing that incivility wins the day.

The problem with privilege

I should note here that it is easier to take this position as someone who is relatively privileged. I’m white and better off than many Americans, no matter how financially strapped I may feel. As Karen Attiah recently pointed out in an editorial in the Washington Post, it’s maddening to hear about civility from someone who has not been among the groups targeted by Trump, especially when that person is a white person handily picking quotations from people of color to make their point.

Given my position of privilege, it’s important that I pay attention to people like Attiah. But I don’t think being civil means failing to act or speak out. Jesus didn’t only tell us to love our enemies. He also overturned the money changers’ tables in the temple. He even called the Pharisees things like “brood of vipers” and “whitewashed tombs.”

The difference between incivility and taking a stand is this: Our job is not to give the other side what we got from them. It is not to imitate their tactics because those seem to be the tactics that win. It’s to stand up, firmly, for what is right, without resorting to cheap shots, without doing the very things we’ve complained about our opponents doing. Did the Republicans steal Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court? Yes. Should Democrats play by the same rule book? No. Isn’t better to do the thing that Republicans ought to have done two years ago and show that your party has high moral standards?

It’s tempting to say that Michelle Obama’s advice doesn’t hold water. Go high when others go low, and you may end up on the losing side. Real people are already getting hurt and will continue to get hurt if Democrats continue to lose. Even if we are not among those who are suffering, we must fight by their sides. We must try to put people into office who will look out for those are most hurt by bad governmental policies.

Nevertheless, I believe that what Michelle Obama said is a biblical truth. We are called to go high when everyone around us seems to be going low. Not because it’s the road to earthly success, but because it’s the right thing to do. If we abandon our moral principles in the fight for what’s right, we will lose even if we win.

The challenge to people like me, who may wish to behave in a saintly manner but who often fail to do so, is to actually live up to this calling. Will you join me in trying?

One of the best things you can do to make a difference is to take a weekly break — something many Jews and Christians call a sabbath.

Here’s why:

Taking a Regular Break is Like Putting Fuel in Your Tank

Even the most energetic humans have their limits, and you can’t run on empty forever. When you step away from work on a regular basis, you’re giving yourself time to rest and recharge. If you won’t do it for yourself, consider it an opportunity to fuel up for more world-changing work. And if you find yourself flagging midweek, the thought of your upcoming day of rest can keep you going.

A Sabbath Break in Your Schedule Gives You More Time to Love Others

Right now you may be saying, “Wait a minute! I thought you were writing about taking a break and recharging. Now you’re talking about using the break to do good.”

Well, yes. I mention using your weekly break to love others for a couple of reasons.

First, sometimes our day-to-day duties get in the way of the more important things, like tending to relationships. Taking a break from your regular activities creates room in your schedule for the people around you. If you have difficulty finding time to make a difference, try making the time by choosing one day where that will be your focus.

Second, using your sabbath to love others isn’t necessarily antithetical to taking a day of rest. I say this as an introvert. I desperately need my alone time. If I spent my entire day of rest with people, especially with strangers or large groups, I would be exhausted. But — even for introverts — spending some time with people we love can actually make us feel better. As long as you make sure you get some time alone, using the day to love others won’t necessarily be draining.

How Exactly Do You Take a Sabbath Break?

Search for “sabbath” online, and you’ll find a variety of strong opinions on how and when to take it.

I’m not going to give you an exact prescription for sabbath-keeping. First, I don’t want to assume that all of my readers share my Christian faith. Second, I’m not a big fan of making legalistic prescriptions. I have preferences for how to spend a day of rest, but I’m not God. Besides, I’ve often failed to honor my own preferences, so why should I outline rules for you that I don’t always follow?

So here are suggestions — not rules — about how you might spend your day of rest.

• Spend time with God. I believe there is no better way to recharge than spending time with the One who created us. While we can and should spend time in prayer more often than once a week, a sabbath day of rest is a particularly good day for this. And if you belong to a worship community that gathers weekly, choosing to spend part of your day of rest at that service can be a source of refreshment and a way to love others. When my daughter was young, our pastor asked the children why we go to church. She responded, “To bring hope to others.” That isn’t the only reason to attend, but what a great response!
• Avoid commercial activities if you can. But it’s okay not to be rigid about it. If you’re running errands all day on your sabbath, you’re not resting. I recommend emphasizing activities like relaxing at home, taking walks, or hanging out with friends as much as possible. But I don’t think your day of rest must be everyone’s day of rest. I frequently get together with friends on Sunday afternoon to have ice cream, because that day works well for many of us. Yes, I’m spending money and benefiting from someone else’s labor, but I’m also building relationships with people I care about.
• Set limits on your use of technology. There are people who choose to have screen-free sabbaths. There’s a lot to be said for that. Staying plugged in all the time isn’t good for us. While I allow myself to use the computer, I significantly limit what I do. I spend plenty of time on email, Twitter, and Facebook during the week, so I avoid them as much as possible on my sabbath day (although I have been known to jump on Facebook if I need to check on a friend). I also choose not to work on my blog or other writing projects on my day off. On the other hand, I might check out Pinterest or watch something online just for fun.
• As I mentioned above, use the day both to rest and to love others. Consider your sabbath day a gift — an opportunity to get ready for the week to come and to invest in the things that truly matter.

Are you taking a weekly break? If not, what can you do to introduce that practice into your life?

What’s the big deal about biodiversity?

I first grasped the importance of biodiversity when I learned about the Irish Potato Famine. There are thousands of varieties of potatoes, but the people of Ireland became dependent primarily on one variety for food, making it easy for blight to wipe out much of the country’s food supply.

We’ve learned since then, right?

Maybe not. While we may not get most of our calories from one crop, the vast majority of what we eat comes from only 30 species. And when I saw “what we eat,” I’m not referring to the United States. I’m referring to the world.

Beyond that, climate change is threatening biodiversity, as is the decline in the number of pollinators. (Likewise, a decline in biodiversity affects pollinators.)

So, what can we do about it?

Declining biodiversity is so big and frightening to think about, it’s easy to just decide there’s nothing that can be done. Better to binge on the latest Netflix shows and just hope that nothing dire actually happens — at least, not during our lifetime. Right?

Of course not. Environmental problems like this are worrisome, but we can do something. Lots of things, actually. Here are just a few ideas to get you started:

• Go ahead and be a hipster food snob. Buy or grow the odd, heirloom varieties. As demand for unusual crops increases, the farmers will follow. You can purchase heirloom seeds from companies like Seed Savers, Victory Seed Company, Renee’s Garden,  and Seeds of Change.
• Use the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Seafood Watch to guide you toward sustainable seafood choices.
• Participate in the National Wildlife Federation’s Certified Wildlife Habitat program.
• Even if you don’t wish to pursue wildlife habitat certification, you can still landscape for pollinators, including using native plants in your yard.
• Fight climate change through your personal actions and, more importantly, by speaking up in favor of government programs designed to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.
• Support a conservation organization, such as Defenders of Wildlife.
• Tell others about the importance of biodiversity and what they can do to promote it.

Pick an idea from the list above and commit to putting it into practice over the next few months. Then go ahead and watch some Netflix guilt-free!

You probably already know this: Many kids who receive free or reduced lunches during the school year experience hunger when school is out.

The question is: What can we do to fight that?

I first started thinking about this seriously when I ran across the story of the Lunch Lady in northern Washington State. She is the sort of person I admire — she saw a need and found a way to fill it.

What the news story doesn’t tell us — beyond the fact that the lunches are prepared at a commercial establishment — is what hoops this woman had to jump through to deliver the lunches. Maybe there aren’t many laws she has to worry about where she lives. Or maybe she just did what she’s doing without checking all the laws. But the fact is that many places make it difficult to feed hungry people, particularly if you are just one person acting alone.

Although I believe in safety, I also believe it’s terrible when lots of rules and regulations get in the way of doing good. There needs to be a balance. But because I don’t like to advise people to court trouble, I suggest that you start fighting childhood hunger by supporting local organizations.

One respectable organization is Feeding America, which uses its network of food banks as Summer Food Service Program locations. If there is a location near you, contact them to find out how you can support that service with your money or time.

But what if there isn’t a Feeding America location near you? Search the Internet for “summer meal programs” in your area to find out where you can offer your support.

One important note: Local organizations may tell you that they need general donations of money or even time rather than ones specifically targeting childhood hunger during the summer. Please honor their request. When you help these organizations in general, your help will, in some way, benefit the children the organization assists.

Many summer meal programs are federally supported through the USDA’s Summer Food Service Program, but many eligible children don’t take advantage of the program, because they lack transportation or their family doesn’t know the service exists. Consider asking the SFSP location near you what you can do to help spread the word. And if the nearest location is some distance away, ask how you can help close that gap.

On a micro-level, if you’re at home during the day and know children who may be experiencing hunger this summer, think of ways you can help one or two families. Give them grocery gift cards or invite the kids over to play with your kids, making sure the invitation includes lunch at your house.

And if you feel called to go full-on Lunch Lady, don’t let laws discourage you completely. Consult with area nonprofits on how you can start a lunch program in your area. A good nonprofit that’s already doing work to fight hunger may be able to help you navigate the landscape of rules and regulations better than you could by yourself.