Category: Make a Difference

Shopping at a grocery store is convenient. Many of us live relatively near one that’s open for several hours a day — perhaps 24 hours — and has a wide selection. But it’s worth making the effort to shop directly from local farmers during the growing season.

Here’s why…

• Local foods take less energy to get to market than foods shipped from around the world.
• You’ll support your local economy.
• You may contribute less to slavery when you shop locally, although there are no guarantees. Until recently, buying a tomato in a grocery store meant that there was a strong chance you were buying a tomato picked by a victim of human trafficking, so it was particularly important to me to buy tomatoes from the farmer’s market. But slavery is everywhere, and buying from a local farmer doesn’t always mean that you aren’t paying for slave labor.
• On a completely selfish level, the food you purchase may be fresher and taste better. The difference between fresh, in-season fruits and vegetables and produce from your grocery store can be shocking.

There are three ways you can shop from farmers: at farmers markets, through community-supported agriculture, and at pick-your-own, or U-pick, farms. Each has its pluses and minuses.

Farmers Markets

Farmers markets will require you to get to the market. If your area is like mine, they are probably popping up all over the place, so you may not have far to travel. I’ll make a confession, though: because I prefer a bigger market with a wider selection, I go to a market further from home rather than shopping at the ones closest to me. That means more energy-usage on my part, although I do carpool with another person.

One of the greatest benefits of a good farmers market is the selection. During the height of growing season, I have far more fruits and vegetables to choose from than I could cook in a week. And for most items, I can choose from several different vendors, allowing me to choose the quantity, quality, and price that best fit my needs.

However, at most of the markets I’ve attended, you can get far more than healthy foods. My favorite market sells jams and jellies, candy, baked goods, and even stuffed animals. In other words, you can walk out of a farmers market with things you never intended to purchase and do not need — just like at the grocery store. And worse, you may even feel a little righteous when you do this, because you purchased these things at a farmers market.

Community-supported Agriculture (CSAs)

Depending on the options in your area, it’s possible to use even less energy getting your produce if you use a CSA. When you belong to a CSA, your farmer will drop off your “share” of food at a set delivery point once a week. If you live or work near a delivery point, it’s easy to pick up your produce. In many cases, you have the option to purchase a full share or a half share.

A CSA may provide opportunities for you to get to know the farmer. That also can happen at a farmer’s market, but you don’t want to distract the vendors from other customers. A CSA might offer opportunities, ranging from work days to harvest festivals, to visit the farm from which you get your food.

The major downside to CSAs is the lack of selection. You get what you get. If the farmer has a bumper crop of fennel, and you hate fennel, you are going to have an awful lot of fennel to get rid of. And you’ll need to cook around whatever you’re given. I found that, even splitting a share with my mother, I was throwing away produce far too often; I just wasn’t good at keeping up and working with whatever I got for the week.

Pick-Your-Own Farms

Similar to farmer’s markets, pick-your-own farms give you control over what you get and how much you purchase. The downside is that, unless you live near such a farm, you will probably be driving further than you would for either a CSA drop-off site or a farmer’s market. And depending on the farm, your selection may be even more limited than using a CSA. Where I live, pick-your-own farms tend to be limited to just a few crops: one farm I go to sold only strawberries and pumpkins until recently. However, it is sometimes possible to discover farms with a larger selection of crops.

I find it’s very hard to purchase all of my food from local farmers; other people may be more successful than I am. But I still try to purchase more locally grown food from late spring through the fall, because I know it’s better for me, better for the farmers, and better for the environment. If you haven’t made a point of buying from local farmers in the past, try one of these options this year and see how you like it!

If you live in an area with yards, I want you to step away from your computer for a moment and look out your window.

What did you see?

If your neighborhood is like mine and if, unlike mine at this moment, it isn’t covered in snow, you saw lawns. Lots and lots of lawns. You probably also saw trees, shrubs, and (perhaps) flowers, which may or may not be native to your area. But mostly you saw lawns. You may even have seen lawns if you live in the desert southwest. My grandparents in New Mexico maintained a small lawn in front of and behind their house.

Lawns can provide play areas for kids and dogs, but they’re not really good for the environment. They don’t support local wildlife, including pollinators. They require maintenance that harms the ecosystem. Unless you are in an area that receives a decent amount of rain, they need to be watered. They need to be mowed, and unless you are using a push reel mower, that means contributing to air pollution. And then there are the fertilizers, pesticides, and herbicides we put on our lawns to make them look pretty.

What if we planted native plants instead?

Okay, maybe you want to keep some of your lawn for the kids and the dogs. Or, maybe you want to get rid of your lawn but are afraid of what the neighbors would think. In some locations, a yard filled with native plants fits right in, but I live in a typical suburban neighborhood. At times, I’ve daydreamed about replacing our front lawn with native plants, but then I think about how much our house would stand out and imagine the neighbors rising up in revolt. Actually, our neighbors are nice, and perhaps changing our landscaping would give other people permission to do  so. But being the first in your neighborhood takes a great deal of bravery, so I’ve never proposed this to my husband. Besides, neither of us is really into yard work or landscaping.

But you don’t have to transform your entire yard — especially not in one year. Just shrinking your lawn and adding more native plants can make a difference. You’ll reduce environmental harm and improve the habitat for local wildlife.

How do I go about adding native plants to my yard?

The first step is to identify plants that are native to your area. Several websites can help. The National Wildlife Federation and the National Audubon Society both have native plant finders that help you select plants based on your ZIP code. The Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center offers more choices for your search, allowing you to select the U.S. state or Canadian province you live in, soil moisture, light requirements, and other characteristics.

You may want to look for organizations in your area that can provide advice on native plants. The Meadow Project has an excellent list broken down by region and state.

When you’re ready to purchase plants, you’ll want to look for a reputable grower. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as walking into your nursery and asking a staff person to direct you to their native plants section. It’s a good idea to educate yourself before you go shopping, so that you know to ask important questions, such as where the plants were propagated. You can also look for a nursery that specializes in native plants. Again, I recommend The Meadow Project for their list of native plant nurseries. Although Portland, Oregon-based PlantNative focuses many of its resources on its area, it does have a list of native plant nurseries throughout the U.S. as well as helpful organizations in the U.S. and Canada.

For many of us in the U.S., the growing season has either just started or has yet to begin. If you have a yard and haven’t made all of your plant purchases, consider making this the year you start going native.

Who are your heroes?

Most of us have at least one.

I’ve interviewed many people over the years, and I’ve often asked them about their heroes or role models. Frequently, they will mention a family member. That makes sense; they’re thinking of the people who shaped their lives. I’d guess that most families have at least one person — often more than one — who behaves admirably. They are the sort of people we want to become, demonstrating love, hard work, selflessness. In an ideal world, all of us would have family members like this… and strive to join them as role models.

What about fictitious role models? Children have them, and I’m willing to bet that many adults also cherish one or more in their hearts. Wonder Woman, Samwise Gamgee, Indiana Jones, Chihiro Ogino — these characters inspire us to be stronger, braver, and better than we are.

Many of us also look up to famous people who have achieved something we want to achieve. Neil Gaiman is my writing hero. I don’t strive to write like him. I don’t think I could if I wanted to. But I admire him for the quality of his work and for how prolific he is. I admire him for not being confined to one genre. I admire him for using his fame as a platform to speak out on important issues. In these ways, I wish I could be like him.

Maybe your hero is an athlete or artist or entrepreneur who has achieved what you’d like to achieve. When we can look up to a successful person, we can learn from them and move closer to our goals.

There’s nothing wrong with any of these heroes. Your grandma, Steve Jobs, Princess Leia — these people can inspire you to grow. But if you don’t have a world-changer in your pantheon of heroes — a person who has devoted his or her life to making a significant difference for the good of others — I encourage you to choose one.

Among my world-changing heroes are William Wilberforce, a British abolitionist; Elizabeth Fry, a prison reformer; and Paul Farmer, co-founder of Partners in Health. People like them remind me of just how much one person can achieve. They help me to see beyond myself, demonstrating what it is like to dedicate much of your life to serving others. When we look up to people like these, they can help us reorient our values, which can be jostled out of alignment by our everyday concerns.

Remember that heroes are human

Whether our heroes are living or historic figures, whether we know them personally or just observe them from a distance, any real person we look up to has the potential to let us down. Family members we admire may not be there for us when we need them. Our heroes may succeed in some of their efforts and fail spectacularly in others. They may demonstrate flaws we wish they didn’t have. If you expect a real person to be as loyal and brave as Sam Gamgee, you will almost certainly be disappointed.

I think political leaders are particularly vulnerable in this regard. When we vote for a leader, we hope they will bring about certain changes. But even good leaders won’t achieve all that voters hoped for. When events outside a leader’s control occur, such as a global recession, their choices might make the situation a little better than it would have been under another leader, but people are more likely to focus on the recession than on the notion that it could have been worse. A leader may face opposition that keeps him or her from changing things as quickly or dramatically as their supporters would like. There’s nothing wrong with expecting our leaders to be people of integrity who are willing to take action, but people who expect that electing this or that leader will drastically change things for the better are probably the people who become cynical and stop voting. Who we elect matters, but it’s unlikely they’ll fulfill all of our expectations.

I’m not saying we should excuse every failure we see in a hero, shrugging it off with the words, “Well, s/he’s only human.” But we need to be careful that we don’t hold our role models to higher standards than we do ourselves in terms of their behavior or their accomplishments. Otherwise, we’re virtually guaranteed to be disappointed.

It’s easy to grow cynical when we see our role models fall, but if we choose to let human frailty stop us from embracing heroes, we’re missing out on a source of inspiration. Heroes fail — but they also can motivate us. If you allow them to, heroes can teach you how to become a better person, even how to change the world. Don’t be afraid to have heroes. You’ll be a better person for it.

Note: Yes, this is part of my “Make a Difference” series. I’m experimenting with taking the series name out of the title of my blog posts. 

I recently started working for a seminary that offers chapel services twice a week. On February 13, just before the beginning of Lent, an M.Div. student preached from 2 Corinthians 6:3-10. The text refers to the experiences of many early Christ-followers, including beatings, imprisonments, and poverty. As the preacher linked the passage to the experiences of African Americans and to the season of Lent, I felt as if God were giving me a nudge. This is what Lent is about. It’s about being willing to face discomfort in the pursuit of a world filled with love, justice, kindness, goodness, and peace.

The first Christians understood what it meant to suffer. And despite advances in areas such as medicine, agriculture, and human rights since then, even the most privileged among us can still genuinely experience suffering. Mental illness, broken relationships, addictions, abuse… these things are present in the homes of the wealthy as well as the poor. But many of us don’t know the kind of suffering Paul was writing about — riots, prison, hunger (not merely a delayed meal but genuine hunger from lack of food) — these things are outside of my experience and, for most of my readers, yours as well. If we choose to give up something for Lent, we may suffer minor discomfort from self-denial, but we don’t really understand the struggles of those early Christians — or of people today who experience injustice.

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to practice one’s faith without facing the persecution that Paul describes. But there is value to discomfort that we may be missing if we lead comfortable lives.

Why is it good to be uncomfortable?

• Discomfort goes hand-in-hand with growth. We know this. We just don’t like it. Ever watch a baby try something over and over again, until she gets it right? I still remember when my child would try to suck her thumb before she’d developed hand-eye coordination. She’d usually hit her face somewhere above her mouth and slide her thumb down to it. Then invariably her thumb would fall out of her mouth, and she’d have to start over again. She’s sometimes cry with frustration, but she kept trying. We can’t grow if we’re not willing to endure failure… and it is only through growth that we can give our best to the world.
• Discomfort breeds resilience. This is directly related to a willingness to be bad at something before you can master it. When I first started working in higher education, I learned that the students who have to work really hard for their grades, even if they are “B” students, often succeed better than the naturally bright “A” students. These “B” students have a greater tolerance for failure and are willing to keep trying. The naturally bright students are often so used to having everything come easily that, when they actually have to work hard in a class in order to understand something, they will give up. We need to learn how to bounce back after encountering something difficult, but we can only do that if we learn to work through our discomfort.
• Tolerance for discomfort helps us do the right thing. People often talk about a willingness to endure discomfort in order to reach a personal goal, such as a financial or fitness goal. But in addition to delaying gratification and being willing to suffer a little in order to retire early or run a marathon, we can practice these things in order to become better people. Whether you want to give more to charity or contribute less to global warming, you may have to deny yourself some comforts in order to successfully make a difference.
• Through discomfort, we can relate to the oppressed. Yes, our willingness to temporarily enter into suffering is different from the daily suffering experienced by people without our privileges. But whether you choose to fast for a period of time in solidarity with the hungry or to join with the oppressed in protesting injustice, you can better understand the suffering that others go through if you are willing to take on discomfort that you otherwise would not have to experience.

Of course, suffering merely for the sake of suffering is meaningless. When we suffer, it should be in the pursuit of something better — a better life for others and for ourselves. The point of suffering is not to remain there, but to move through it toward our goal. We may be called to suffer in life, but that isn’t all we are called to. We’re called to relieve suffering, because suffering can become demoralizing and debilitating if the sufferer is unable to attain something better through their efforts.

But it’s so hard!

For the most part, we don’t naturally run toward discomfort. And, let’s face it, sometimes our everyday lives feel difficult enough that the last thing we want is more discomfort. At the end of a hard day, what we really want is to  relax with Netflix or a good book. I am, by nature, a Tookish hobbit. There’s a part of me that wants nothing more than to hang out in my snug hobbit hole with some sort delicious, mushroom-y meal. But there is another part of me that craves adventure, and with adventure comes discomfort. It’s not the part of adventure that most of us yearn for. We want to see the world without being rained on or running low on food, thank you very much. But you can’t have a real adventure without opening yourself up to being uncomfortable.

Even if you have no Tookish blood running through your veins, you can still stretch yourself in small ways. That’s because choosing to suffer for the sake of growth and a better world looks different for each of us. You may stop eating meat, because you are concerned about the treatment of farm animals. Your friend may decide to frequently visit their uncle with Alzheimer’s, even though he often forgets who they are. Your parents might invest lots of time, money, and energy into opening a business that employs former inmates. As for me? For the sake of our planet, I should probably learn to better tolerate the cold rather than cranking up the heat.

Each person needs to choose for themselves what they are willing to suffer. But one thing is certain: Though discomfort isn’t fun, it’s a necessary part of making a difference in the world.

When you think of age discrimination, you probably think of discrimination against older people in the workplace. Certainly age discrimination encompasses that. I’ve witnessed more than one person in their 50s or 60s who, after losing their job, struggled to find a comparable position — or sometimes any position at all. Some of the people I’ve seen suffer the most are in technical fields. Sometimes people fail to keep their skills up to date, but sometimes they aren’t hired because they are “too old.”

But age discrimination goes beyond employment discrimination against older people. It can include infantilizing older people through the way you speak to them. Calling an older woman “young lady”? You may mean to flatter her, but she knows she’s not young and probably doesn’t appreciate your “compliment.” It also includes the way you treat older people. I love what this post on alcohol in assisted living facilities has to say about the purpose of assisted living: “Assisted living does not and should never mean loss of freedom or rights, instead it promoted [sic] independence by providing seniors the tools and care they need to live the best life they can.”

And just as bad as treating seniors like children is pushing them aside or ignoring them altogether.

I also believe that age discrimination doesn’t just apply to older adults. When a member of one generation looks down on members of another generation, that’s a form of discrimination. I once heard someone in the workplace state that Millennials were lazy and spent too much time watching Netflix. Many of the Millennials I know work really hard — both in the office and outside of it. I should have spoken up on their behalf but didn’t; I allowed myself to feel intimidated by the person who made the statement and just sat in stony silence. It is true that the environment in which a generation grows up shapes the members of that generation. Nevertheless, members of each generation are individuals and should be treated as such. Judgmental statements about generations, such as “Boomers ruined the world” or “Gen Xers are slackers,” are no better than judgmental statements about people based on categories such as gender or race.

And now I’m going to make what may be a controversial statement about age discrimination. In the past five years or so, I’ve run across many people who declare vehemently that not only do they hate babies and/or children, but that such an attitude is perfectly okay. I believe that hating babies or children is just as unacceptable as hating senior citizens.

I absolutely do not believe that everyone should become a parent. One of the most troubling experiences I’ve ever had was conversing with a mother of two school-aged boys. I’d only just met her, but during our conversation she confided that she hated her children. I was not a parent, so her confession prompted me to do a lot of soul-searching before my husband and I decided to become parents. I think that’s a good thing to do; parenthood is not something to undertake lightly.

But there’s a big difference between not wanting children and hating children as a group of people. You don’t have to drool over babies. You don’t have to be happy that you’re sitting near a baby on a plane (while I don’t believe in banning parents from taking babies on planes, air travel is not particularly pleasant, and a crying baby just makes things worse).

But take a look at the last paragraph of the opinion piece I linked to:

If you are my friend and you decide to have a baby, I will feel nothing but genuine joy for you, because as your friend, I value your happiness. I will bring you meals and toys and those adorable little baby shoes (which I will find far cuter than the kid itself), and I will always lend a sympathetic ear when you’re tired and need to vent. I will do so with glee and sincerity, because you are my friend and I love you. But I will still hate your baby, and for that, I will not apologize.

What if I rewrote that to tell someone that I would feel joy for them and bring them a present on their wedding day but would hate their spouse — not because the person they were marrying was horrible, but because I didn’t like “that kind” of person? I think people would be right to call me on my discriminatory attitude. So why is it okay to say about babies?

Some people call age discrimination the last acceptable form of discrimination. I’m not sure I agree with that statement. But age discrimination may be less visible to us than some forms of discrimination. It’s time to notice it and take a stand against it.

Meik Wiking first received attention in the United States as the author of The Little Book of Hygge. Hygge, a Danish concept associated with coziness, recently had a moment in the U.S. and U.K., though it’s already considered a bit passé. (For the record, as a summer-lover in a state with long, bitter winters, I’m a hygge fan.) Now Wiking, CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, has a new book: The Little Book of Lykke: Secrets of the World’s Happiest People.

While The Little Book of Hygge contains statistics, including more than you may want to know about Danish candle usage, it is relatively lightweight; however, The Little Book of Lykke is based on extensive research. It’s full of statistics and stories related to enhancing happiness. Don’t let the statistics scare you off; it’s a fast, fun read.

If you are familiar with Dan Buettner’s happiness research, much of what Wiking says about happiness won’t surprise you. Health, financial well-being, kindness and community are common themes in happiness research. In an ideal world, you’d read what both of them have to say on happiness. Both have done extensive research on the subject and have plenty of practical tips to offer on the subject. But if you read only one book on happiness, make it The Little Book of Lykke. In a short period of time you’ll come away with several ideas for improving your happiness… and the happiness of others.

These practical ideas are the reason I’m writing about this as a way to make a difference. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that I think personal happiness can support making a difference, and the book includes several easy ways you can improve your happiness. But there are also things to strive for over the long-term that can make your community a happier place. People of different political persuasions can easily embrace some of these ideas, such as getting to know your neighbors. But others might challenge your stand on certain issues. For instance, since both health and financial security affect happiness, it makes sense to support universal health care. Wiking spells it out in his chapter on health:

As a happiness researcher, I cannot see a more obvious policy to improve quality of life than that of providing universal health care. In the Nordic countries, all of which consistently rank among the ten happiest countries in the world, free health care is available to everyone. People in these countries simply have less to worry about in daily life than most other people on this front, and that forms a sound basis for high levels of happiness.

The Little Book of Lykke was only recently released in the United States; you may have to wait a while if you want to check it out from the library. Whether you borrow it or buy it, I highly recommend taking the time to read this book.

When this post goes live, it will be Christmas Day — a time when many people exchange gifts. This year, I’d like to suggest that you give yourself an intangible gift. You can think of this as a resolution if you like. However you think of it, I’d like to suggest that you go easy on yourself next year. You’ll accomplish more if you do.

What exactly do I mean by “go easy on yourself”? Some of this I’ve said before, but it bears repeating.

Expect progress, not perfection

One of my earliest “make a difference” posts was on learning how to eat an elephant. I see so many things I want to change about myself, so many things I want to tackle, and I feel the need to take on everything right now. Those of us who struggle with this must remember: perfection isn’t possible. Growth is. So let’s take things one at a time. That list of things we want to tackle isn’t going anywhere.

Cut back

Likewise, I’ve already written about how important simplicity is in freeing us up to take care of the things that truly matter. Simplicity is a gift that many of us, myself included, have trouble embracing. The world is so full of “shoulds” — things we’re told we need to do or own. And we sometimes have trouble letting go of things, because we think we need them or we’re afraid we’ll be judged for letting go. Simplifying our lives can be a difficult task, but the result can be freeing.

Don’t be a cheerless do-gooder

In August, I wrote about the relationship between happiness and goodness. As I said then, I think that relationship is a worthy subject of debate. What’s less debatable is the fact that miserable goodness is neither attractive nor easy to sustain. As you seek to bring love into the world, remember to love yourself, too. And while you’re at it, take time to enjoy the beauty that surrounds you.

Consider your past with tenderness

Recently I’ve become aware of how harsh I can be with myself over past choices. These aren’t even bad choices. They’re merely choices I’ve made that I now question. One thing that has been haunting me was my choice to stay with the same employer for 21 years. Recently I accepted a new job. I feel a mixture of excitement and fear over the prospect of leaving my long-term employer and embracing something new. I don’t interpret my fear as “You’ve made the wrong choice.” Instead, I’ve told myself, “You stayed in the same place too long. You got too comfortable. Why didn’t you do this earlier?” I’ve looked at my long tenure in one place and asked myself if that choice was really a career setback.

I’ve been contemplating these things over the past few days, during which I’ve been reading The Way of Tea and Justice by Becca Stevens. In it, Stevens shares the stories of women who have left behind lives of prostitution and addiction. When I read the stories of women who were abused since childhood, I don’t judge them for turning to drugs to numb the pain. Yes, the choices they made were harmful, but I can understand why they made them. Were I in their shoes, who is to say that I would have done differently? When you’ve lived a limited life filled with pain, it can be hard to find the exit.

Then I realized: I understand the choices these women made better than I do my own. It’s easy for me to tell myself now that I was too comfortable and may have held myself back. But I need to remind myself of the circumstances during which I made my choices. When my grandparents were alive, I was grateful for the generous vacation time that enabled me to visit them frequently. While I juggled both work and motherhood, I appreciated the fact that my employer was a great place for work-life balance. I appreciated my workplace’s location, which allowed us to enroll our child in a charter school nearby for several years. And when my husband went through a period of career instability, my job’s stability was a blessing to our family.

Not only that, but those years with one employer weren’t even the years of stagnation I’m tempted to see them as in hindsight. I earned a promotion and a master’s degree during that time. I took on extra work that was not part of my regular duties — writing magazine columns and editing a magazine in addition to my marketing role. And outside of work, I wrote and published my first book.

Yes, I was “comfortable” with one employer for a long period of time, but I had good reasons for staying where I was, and I accomplished a lot while I was there. I need to be as gentle with myself for the choices I made as I am with the women whose stories I’ve been reading. And if you are like me, perhaps it is time for you to be gentle with yourself over past choices, too. After all, living with “what if’s” and regret doesn’t do a thing to change your life… or the world. As long as you mull over the past, you’ll remain stuck in it and unable to move forward. So let it go. If you need to ask forgiveness for something or make amends with someone, go do that. But then you need to put your past behind you and step forward into the future.

Go on a retreat

In The Way of Tea and Justice, Stevens explains the importance of retreats for those who wish to be of service to the world.

I love the image in the Gospels of the disciples going to a lonely place to find time to focus and talk with their teacher alone. They had to get away from the crowds, not because they didn’t love them but so they could love them more.

I’ve already written about the joy I take in solitary retreats, but you don’t need to spend a few days in a hermitage to benefit from a retreat. As Stevens reminds readers, you can take mini-retreats every day — even by simply lingering over a cup of tea alone or with someone with whom you can really talk. Stepping away periodically from the busyness and business of everyday life will give you the opportunity to take a breath, get  your bearings, and ground yourself as you strive to make a difference in the lives of others.

When I was in college, I joined my school’s InterVarsity Christian Fellowship chapter. I felt comfortable in our chapter’s meetings, probably because they were reflective of our small, liberal campus. But multi-campus InterVarsity events were different. I’d grown up in the Episcopal church and was unfamiliar with the evangelical subculture. What I encountered was very different from my experience. Worship consisted of praise songs led by a rock band. There were no hymnals; instead, lyrics were projected onto a screen, and you learned the tune from the band. A promotional video for a week-long summer session was filled with shots of people parasailing and water skiing and singing praise songs in a large group. Based on my initial encounters with evangelical subculture, I would describe it as loud, extroverted, and active. My opinion hasn’t changed.

It’s not that I didn’t like rock music or that Episcopalians don’t water ski. But as an introvert who loved hymns and had absolutely no interest in parasailing, I felt out of place.

While they rarely intend it, many organizations have a dominant culture. A workplace may encourage bonding or reward hard work with tickets to sporting events. This is great for sports lovers, but not so fun for people who couldn’t care less about sports. A church women’s group might include a knitting circle, while men might be encouraged to meet for a game of basketball. A church youth group might start each meeting with an ice-breaker guaranteed to inspire shy people to pray. “Please, Lord, don’t let anyone pick me!”

When an organization allows a dominant culture to form, people who don’t fit into that culture feel like they don’t belong. When my daughter was growing up, our church’s youth group schedule didn’t work well for us, but I was still disappointed she expressed no interest in youth group. Then I started to volunteer with the youth, and I understood. She wouldn’t have fit in. My own teenaged self wouldn’t have fit in. Although regular meetings did include time for small group discussions, their composition shifted from meeting to meeting. This meant that the shy kids never got a chance to warm up to their group over time. And most of the scheduled “extra” events had that “loud, extroverted, and active” flavor I associate with evangelicals: snow tubing, bowling and arcade games, a visit to a trampoline park. How could a quiet, nerdy kid ever hope to fit in?

The solution to the problem is simple: organizations need to listen and respond to all members, not just those who fit the dominant culture. And this listening needs to be ongoing. What worked 10 years ago may leave some people feeling alienated now.

Because people who don’t fit into the dominate group may be shy about sharing their preferences, leaders may want to distribute surveys to everyone in their organization. As you learn what people want, your goal is not to replace one dominate culture with another one. Instead, you should work to include people who have previously been left out. If you lead a workplace that encourages bonding by distributing sporting event tickets to employees and their guests, you don’t need to stop doing that. But if you find that some of your employees are more interested in the arts than sports, you might want to throw in some concert tickets once a year or host a social event at a small gallery in place of one of the sporting events you usually attend.

There will always be special interest groups that cater to certain individuals. There’s no need for a poker group to sometimes make knitting a part of their meetings; a Spanish conversation group doesn’t need to hold some of its meetings in French. But if you want your organization to be welcoming, it’s time to stop assuming that everyone fits in a certain mold. Listen — especially to the quiet folks, the ones who seem unengaged — and find ways to include them. Your group will be stronger for it.