Dressember is the brainchild of Blythe Hill, who combined a personal fashion challenge with a desire to fight human trafficking, particularly in the sex industry. The idea is simple: women commit to wearing a dress every day during December. Exceptions may be made for work uniforms, exercise, cleaning, and sleeping. Participants use their commitment both to generate awareness of human trafficking and to raise funds to fight it. The Dressember Foundation gives 80% of the money raised to its partner organizations. This year, those organizations are International Justice Mission, A21, and McMahon/Ryan Child Advocacy Center.
Yes, it would be more effective to donate money directly to Dressember Foundation’s partner organizations. Yes, there are many ways you can raise awareness of human trafficking. So why participate in Dressember?
First, it helps you make a month-long commitment to actually fight human trafficking, instead of simply putting it on your to-do list.
Second, people respond to activities like this. You could donate money to an anti-trafficking organization and ask your friends to do the same. But there’s something about saying, “I will do x for organization y. Will you contribute money to support that organization?” Perhaps we feel more comfortable asking people to make contributions when we’re willing to do something to demonstrate our own commitment. Perhaps people are more willing to give in those circumstances. Whatever the reason, these things work. I’d be willing to bet that Dressember could be particularly effective if you don’t normally wear a dress.
Also, while you can collect money from friends and mail it directly to an anti-trafficking organization, you and your friends may feel more comfortable if you set up a fundraising page through an organization like Dressember. It allows each contributor to get a receipt for their donation, and it removes the trust issues that might be involved if they sent the money to you.
Although Dressember is geared toward women, men are welcome to participate. One pastor wore a dress for a day, but men may feel more comfortable committing to wearing a bow tie, suspenders, or some other distinctive piece of clothing.
Essentially, Dressember can be an effective, easy way to fight human trafficking. If it appeals to you, why not give it a try?
This week I encountered two articles about privilege. One was a series of photos that visually explain privilege by flipping what we expect to see. The other was a thoughtful article about privilege from a conservative point of view. Privilege has been on my list of potential blog topics. The articles were the nudge I needed to write about it.
“Privilege” essentially means that you are born into a world where certain advantages, power among them, tend to come with being in a group or groups to which you belong. Powerful people are more often like you than not. Desirable goods and services are geared toward people like you. You don’t need to worry that if an Airbnb host tells you they cannot accommodate you, it’s because of who you are.
Privilege is often talked about in terms of race. Indeed, it’s very important to acknowledge the existence of white privilege and racism. But privilege can be tied to other things, such as financial status, gender, and religion. When we are willing to acknowledge privilege exists, we can take steps toward a world where equal opportunities for different people really exist.
There’s a lot that can be said about privilege. I want to tackle just a few things here. First, I want to talk about why people may deny that they are in a privileged group, because I think that’s the biggest obstacle to dismantling a system that favors certain groups over others. Then I want to address privilege from two perspectives: that of a Christian and that of a geek.
Why won’t we acknowledge our privilege?
We’ll never address the problems of privilege if we don’t acknowledge privilege exists. So why don’t we?
Conservatives often see privilege as a liberal idea, and therefore one they must reject. This is why I am so moved by David Marcus’ article in The Weekly Standard. While he disagrees with some of the ways he sees privilege treated by people on the left, he makes the straightforward statement “[White privilege] absolutely describes an actual phenomenon.” I often worry about the gap between liberals and conservatives. It’s one thing to have different approaches to tackling a problem and another to not even agree whether or not a problem exists. People like Marcus give me hope.
We don’t feel privileged. The world is a scary place, and the problems we face just seem to be getting worse. Wages have been largely stagnant for decades. Good jobs seem scarce. If you feel like you are constantly struggling to stay afloat, if you are worried about retaining your value in a tight job market, you certainly don’t think of yourself as privileged. Likewise, Christians are quick to deny Christian privilege, because we live an increasingly post-Christian society. We fail to acknowledge that Western culture mostly has been based on Christian culture for nearly 2,000 years. Even as we move into a post-Christian society, the advantages of being a Christian still linger. One example? While many people do not celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, Christians did such a great job of establishing it as a major holiday that schools close around Christmas for winter break, and many people (though not all) get the day off work. As a Christian, I confess I love having Christmas off. But let’s face it — most of us don’t expect our employer to close for Rosh Hashanah or Eid Al-Fitr.
We can’t see the forest for the trees. This is related to the point above. We may use things like instances of ridicule directed against us as evidence that we are not, in fact, privileged. Similarly, if we fail to “win” something, such as a job, and we see someone from a traditionally underprivileged group get what we wanted, we many conclude we aren’t privileged after all. For decades, white people have used the existence of affirmative action to argue that minority groups are actually privileged, but when so few people of color hold leadership roles, that argument doesn’t hold water. We need to look at the big picture rather than focusing on instances in which we didn’t benefit from privilege.
We think that people who want us to acknowledge our privileges just want us to feel guilty and ashamed. I’m sure there are people who want just that. There are people who seem to derive great joy from shaming others about all sorts of things. They may be the Eeyores in our life, people who say things like, “Don’t mind me. My birthday doesn’t matter. You just go along and have your fun.” They may be people who delight in leaving nasty letters about things that are none of their business. I have no doubt that there are people whose goal is to make you feel guilty about belonging to a privileged group. But just because people like that exist doesn’t mean you should deny your privilege. Acknowledging privilege isn’t about living a shame-filled life. It’s about working toward a world of equal opportunities.
We believe that privilege will always exist with one group or another. Maybe it really does rest with us now, but if we change things, it will just go to another group. At any rate, it will always be here. It’s part of human nature. So why bother thinking about it? I actually do believe that there will always be privileged groups this side of heaven. It is, indeed, part of human nature. So are things like murder, rape, and child abuse. That doesn’t mean we don’t fight those things. They are wrong, and it is our job to take a stand against what’s wrong.
We don’t want to give up our privilege. When life seems to exist to favor people like you, it can be a very scary thing to actively work toward changing things, thus giving up the advantages you were born with. But that brings me to the section of my post that tackles privilege from a specifically Christian point of view…
God’s kingdom is about giving up privilege.
The Bible is subversive. Christians worship a God who “made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:7-8) If we call ourselves Christians, we are supposed to imitate Jesus. What does this look like?
Jesus was born into poverty and died the death of a criminal — exhibiting powerlessness in birth and death.
He hung out with rejects, such as tax collectors; welcomed the powerless, such as children; and told stories in which the respectable came out looking bad and the role of the hero was played by someone unexpected, like the Good Samaritan.
Jesus preached about an upside-down kingdom in which the first are last and the last are first. He spoke of a day when the hungry would be satisfied, and the well-fed would go hungry. In God’s kingdom, power structures are reversed.
It’s not always easy to figure out how to faithfully follow Jesus in the modern world. What is clear is that it requires willingness to give up power rather than grasp it. As for Christian organizations, wouldn’t be amazing if their leadership looked less like Fortune 500 companies and more like God’s kingdom?
Shedding privilege is an adventure.
If you’ve dreamed of getting an acceptance letter to Hogwarts or having the Doctor offer to take you anywhere in time and space, you’ve felt the pull of adventure. Alas, these daydreams will never come to pass, but there are real-life adventures we can pursue. One of those is the willingness to shed our privileges. If you belong to a privileged group, imagine living in a world that did not accommodate people like you. If you’re a geek, you may have had times when you felt like an outsider. Jump in and embrace that feeling! Shedding privilege is uncomfortable, but as Bilbo learned, adventures aren’t comfortable… but they change life for the better.
I’m short on specifics about how to go about this, because I myself have taken mere baby steps on this adventure. I’ve become aware of my privileges, and I try to think from the perspective of those who do not have them. If I’m donating food to a food shelf, am I including foods that might especially appeal to the immigrants who live in my community? Am I in a position to recommend a talented person from a disadvantaged group for a position of power, so that they can gain experiences that previously may have been denied to them?
Outside of considering the perspectives of people who don’t share my privileges, I need to be willing to become uncomfortable. How do I feel going into a space where I am the minority? How do I feel about accepting leadership from someone who has less privilege than I do?
These are only small steps on the adventure of shedding privilege, but they are steps. What can you do today to notice the privileges you have, and how can you let go of those privileges for the good of others?
“Generous” is a broad term. Many of my posts have touched on generosity one way or another. But today I want to encourage you to help others succeed professionally, even if it never benefits you.
Use LinkedIn With a Generous Spirit
If you’re on LinkedIn, you’ll find several ways to help others, starting with being open to connecting with people you don’t know. When I first joined, I believed strongly that LinkedIn wasn’t a place to accept connection requests from strangers. There are articles that advise just that. Then I received connection requests from two young women who had graduated from my alma mater and wanted to talk to me about my career. After they explained why they wanted to connect, I decided to accept their requests. Because the women lived near me, I could talk with each of them face-to-face. When the first woman contacted me, I questioned my ability to help. But both seemed to appreciate the connection and the chance to talk about their career ambitions. I still don’t accept every request, but now I’m open to connecting with strangers if I can genuinely help them.
You can also help others through recommendations. Of course, it’s great to respond positively to direct requests for recommendations, assuming you feel the person who approaches you is worth recommending. But if I like someone’s work, I won’t necessarily wait for them to ask me to write a recommendation. I’ll just write one, which they can accept, reject, or ask me to edit. If you’re connected to someone on LinkedIn, a recommendation can be a wonderful gift of appreciation.
Leave Positive Reviews
This year we had to call a repair person to look at our washing machine. He declared it dead (or, rather, not worth the expense of fixing) and recommended certain brands to replace it. He also told me to check out professional reviews, such as Consumer Reports, rather than relying solely on review sites. “People are more likely to leave negative reviews than positive ones,” he said. He’s right. There are times where I’ve had a particularly bad experience with a business or product and felt motivated to write a negative review. While I do leave positive reviews, I think I’m less likely to take the trouble to do so. In fact, I’m ashamed to say that the repair person’s business card is sitting in a pile, waiting for me to go online and recommend him!
We don’t need to forego all negative reviews. I think there’s a time for that. But it would be great if we left at least as many positive reviews as negative ones — if not more. Especially for small businesspeople, such reviews can be gold. If you love something — the way the stylist cuts your hair or the food at that little restaurant you’ve been going to for years or the new podcast you just discovered — give it a positive rating. We base so many of our choices on ratings these days; let’s help the people we appreciate get more business by giving them positive reviews.
Say a Good Word to Someone’s Manager
This is something I think about doing from time to time, and I always lose my nerve. A good part of it is that I imagine myself as the person behind the counter and think that the words “Can I see your manager” would probably sound like the prelude to a complaint. I don’t want to make the person panic, so I don’t say anything at all. But if we made a practice of asking for the manager to share kind words about someone, maybe people wouldn’t assume the worst when we asked to see their supervisor. And I’m sure managers must get tired of always being summoned for complaints. Hearing compliments about employees could very well brighten a manager’s day, too.
Offer People Opportunities to Build Their Credentials
Many years ago, I sat in a meeting in which people discussed two different speakers for a nonprofit conference: a man and a woman. The people who had heard them both speak felt they were equally good speakers, but the man had more speaking experience. Eventually, the people in the meeting decided to offer the speaking opportunity to the man because of his experience.
There’s no denying that name recognition is a big deal, so if you can afford the person with more credentials, it makes sense to offer that person the opportunity. But at least some of the time, I think it can be appropriate to pick the less experienced of two people with equal abilities, if only to give them the opportunity to grow their career. This is particularly true when you can add diverse voices to an event or a team. If we don’t give opportunities to capable people with less experience, we’re holding them back… and we’re missing out on what they could contribute if only they were allowed to do so.
It’s Okay to Ask for Help
There are reasons experts warn people away from self-centered networking: real relationships aren’t about using people. That’s why I believe in giving without expectations. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for what you need to achieve your career goals. I’ve asked people for LinkedIn recommendations, and I’ve asked people to review my book. But when I do things for others, I don’t want them to feel that what I’ve done for them is part of a transaction. If I choose to write a LinkedIn review for someone, I don’t want that person to feel beholden to pay me back with a review. My review of their work isn’t about getting something back. It’s about offering help to that person. If we want to make the world a better place, we can make a real difference through little things, like generously helping others to grow their careers.
I’ve stated before that I believe in right and wrong. But I also believe that we live in a world where many issues are not black-and-white. There are shades of gray. And if we embrace the gray, we may be able to listen to and understand others better.
I’m going to use a personal example that will probably alienate me from many people on both sides of the abortion debate. I have talked about this with very few people, but it feels like the right story to share here.
When I was a teen, I identified as pro-choice. For me, my stance was a no-brainer. Legal abortions were safer abortions. It was clear to me that many women would seek to terminate an unwanted pregnancy for a variety of reasons, whether or not abortion was legal. I believed that legal abortions would at least protect the lives of the women who chose them.
Partway through college, I changed my point of view. A large factor in my shift was an ethics class I took. During class, we examined abortion through a pro-choice perspective outlined in the “people-seeds” example from Judith Jarvis Thomson’s “A Defense of Abortion.” While many people agree with Thomson’s reasoning, I was disturbed by it, because it granted no consideration to the “person-plant.” To stick with Thomson’s analogy, since a woman whose mesh screen failed to keep a “people-seed” from taking root in her home would only be obliged to put up with the person-plant for nine months, it seemed to me a callous point of view not to consider possible pain and suffering and even a right to life on behalf of the person-plant. In fact, it seemed to be a very selfish point of view.
During this time, I began to encounter liberal people who embraced feminism but who were also pro-life, challenging my sense of what sort of person a pro-lifer was. Meanwhile, my fellow pro-choicers were alienating me. I was put off by the slogans chalked around campus, such as “Keep your rosaries off my ovaries.” It seemed to me that many women were approaching the issue from a very “me-centered” point of view. While I continued to believe in the legality of abortion when a woman could lose her life or was a victim of rape or incest, I was concerned about the rights of the unborn child, too. So I began to identify as pro-life.
While I did switch sides on the debate, I refused to condemn the faith of pro-choice women. Some Christians (though certainly not all) seem to equate being a Christian with being pro-life. I knew that I was every bit as passionate about following Christ when I was pro-choice as when I was pro-life. I no longer agreed with my previous pro-choice perspective, but I knew I’d held it out of a deep concern for what I thought was the best solution to the difficult problem of unwanted children. This willingness to acknowledge good will in another’s point of view is part of what I mean by embracing gray.
Since college, I’ve continued to meet people on both sides of the debate who are people of good will. I’ve witnessed acts of intolerance by both pro-choicers and pro-lifers toward people they disagreed with (although I can’t think of a time when a pro-choicer has bombed a pro-life facility). I’ve met women who chose to have an abortion, such as a Catholic woman who was pregnant with an anencephalic baby. I’ve met women who chose not to have an abortion, including another woman who was told her baby had anencephaly — and the diagnosis turned out to be wrong. (I don’t believe this means that the first woman I mentioned was wrong to make the choice she did.)
I’ve been deeply disturbed by people who say they are pro-life but who will not embrace completely pro-life principles, including abolishing the death penalty. Likewise, I’ve been frustrated by some of the proposed pro-life legislation at state levels that seems to prove exactly what pro-choicers have said about pro-lifers: They only care about unborn children, not women. Many pro-lifers seem to fail to see that by addressing issues related to women and poverty, such as paid maternity leave and adequate health care, they will go a long way to reducing abortions.
On the other hand, I’m saddened by the refusal of many pro-choicers to refer to an unborn child as anything but “fetus,” to avoid doing anything to humanize him or her. We need to have serious conversations about pain and suffering and about how oppressed groups are frequently dehumanized. Are we dehumanizing and oppressing unborn children, who cannot speak for themselves?
While I don’t see both sides of the issue completely (I’m not God), I do see them to some extent. I believe there are nuances we need to acknowledge and discuss. We need a deeper conversation than merely whether or not abortion should be legal. For me, abortion is not a black-and-white issue. It’s colored in shades of gray. Maybe that’s why I’d rather not identify myself as pro-life or pro-choice these days.
I’m not telling you this because I think I’ve reached some sort of mystical state of enlightenment on abortion. I haven’t. If anything, I’ve felt a little jaded lately and could use more of God’s grace. But my journey is an example of how we can acknowledge that issues are more complex than the stark black-and-white colors we want to paint them in. We live in a world of gray, and that’s not a terrible thing. If anything, being willing to embrace gray may help us grow in humility and in love for those we disagree with.
As we engage in debates about all sorts of issues, let’s acknowledge that there’s a lot of gray in the world. We don’t need to become relativists. But if we’re willing to respectfully engage in deep conversations and to wrestle over more difficult questions than “Which side of the issue is right?” we may actually make progress on some of the world’s most difficult problems. If nothing else, we’ll ease some of the tensions between groups with opposing points of view.
If you’re upset by a campus animal therapy program, you might need to rethink your priorities.
Several months ago, my alma mater’s magazine included a story about an on-campus therapy dog program. The following issue included a couple of letters from cranky alumni, who complained about how soft students have become. You know the type of letter: “Back in my day… .” One of the alumni graduated when I did, and I was tempted to write in myself and point out that puppies and kittens were brought in at least once during our years there. I remember that they were very popular with students who missed the opportunity to interact with pets.
But my problem wasn’t really my classmate’s selective memory. What struck me was the fact that people were annoyed enough by the therapy dog program to write a letter to the editor. They felt it was more important to take the time to complain about students getting soft (in their view) than to use that time to tackle more pressing issues.
We’ve seen this happen recently with Trump’s response to NFL players taking a knee during the national anthem. Many people have pointed out that when he was busy tweeting about the issue, he was largely silent about helping Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. Beyond that, he seems to care more about the national anthem and the flag than he does about the freedoms they represent. This is something that speaks volumes about his priorities. Of course, this isn’t something new. From time to time lawmakers have moved to outlaw burning the flag. I don’t like it when people choose to burn the flag in protest; I think protesters can make their points in less alienating ways. But I support the right to burn the flag, because I believe that the symbol is never more important than what it symbolizes.
Of course there are times when we’ll want to vent our feelings about the little things that bug us — although I remember with shame when a bereaved coworker, after listening to us talk about our pet peeves, said pointedly, “My pet peeve is when people get upset about trivial things.” I also know all too well that our emotions can get the better of us (frequently when we are behind the wheel). But we would be wise to ask ourselves: Just how much does what I’m getting upset about really matter? How does taking a knee during the anthem outweigh the racism that the individual is protesting by his action? Why are therapy dogs on a campus so bad that you must write a letter to the editor?
I’ve written before about speaking up and the importance of using good judgment in determining when and how to speak. There are times when we should speak out against what’s wrong, and there are times to let things go. If we all paused before we spoke out and asked ourselves how important the matter really was, what sorts of divides could be healed?
Are you living in a bubble? Photo by kazuend on Unsplash.
After last year’s presidential election, Democrats who were shocked that Trump won were encouraged to step outside their bubbles.
This isn’t bad advice, but it isn’t just urban Democrats who should step outside of their bubbles. All of us should work to understand people who are different from ourselves by exposing ourselves to all sorts of diversity.
It can be difficult for us to step outside of our insulated worlds. Sometimes there are invisible barriers that are hard to overcome. If you aren’t wealthy, how likely is it that you’ll get to know a wealthy person? Sometimes we’re afraid of people who are different from us. Have you ever ignored a homeless person because you feared interacting with them? Often we simply prefer to be with people who are like ourselves.
But here are just some of the reasons why we should make the effort anyway:
It will help us develop understanding and empathy. As a Christian, I believe in a God who embodies love and who calls me to love others. But I can’t truly love people if I won’t make an effort to understand them. Even if you don’t believe in a moral imperative to love, there’s a selfish reason to understand and empathize with people who are different from you: If you are trying to persuade others, you won’t be very good at it unless you understand their point of view. As someone who works in marketing, I know that my job is to reach potential customers. In order to do that, I need to understand them.
It will shake up our worldview. We don’t really like to have our worldview challenged, but I think it’s better to have beliefs that are able to stand up to different viewpoints than to build our lives around ideas that are too fragile to be questioned. And it’s better to be open to changing one’s mind than to steadfastly cling to something because we’re afraid to consider alternatives.
It will enhance our creativity. Creativity flourishes when we expose ourselves to novelty. Whether we’re interested in being more creative artistically, generating new business ideas, or making scientific discoveries, one of the best things we can do for our brains is to step outside our bubbles.
There are countless ways for us to expose ourselves to different people and viewpoints. Here are a few ideas:
Get your news from a variety of sources. Read outside your geographical area. If you only read your hometown paper, subscribe to the online version of a paper from another part of the country. Better yet, get your news from international sources as well. And if your news sources are only reinforcing your beliefs, it’s time to expand your list of go-to sources.
Diversify the people you follow on Twitter. When I was fairly new to Twitter, I realized that almost all of the people I was following were white, so I made a point of following people who did not look like me. Now my biggest challenge is to make sure I’m following people I disagree with. I don’t think it’s a big surprise to my readers when I say that I lean to the left . But I’ve made a point of following some conservative columnists and politicians. And if a person with whom I disagree follows me, I will often follow them back. (A recent follower who didn’t pass the test? Someone whose tweets all seemed to be anti-Hillary Clinton rants. It’s fine not to like her, but I don’t have time for tweet after tweet about locking her up.)
Listen to podcasts that expose you to diversity. As a white person, I find NPR’s Code Switch podcast very worthwhile. And the Hidden Brain podcast helps me understand why we prefer our bubbles in the first place. There are many ways you can diversify your listening habits, whether you expose yourself to different political opinions, listen to world news, or just explore music you wouldn’t normally listen to.
Read widely. Don’t stick to your favorite genre, and be sure to read books by authors who are different from you. Read both nonfiction and fiction about situations you’ve never experienced and topics you’ve only examined from one point of view (if at all).
Be open to friends who are different from you… but don’t let differences be the motive for pursuing a relationship with someone. No one wants to be your project, the person you’re trying to get acquainted with because you don’t know anyone who is [black/gay/an atheist/a Republican/autistic/you name it]. Instead, simply be aware of who you’re surrounding yourself with. Are you excluding people from your life because they’re different from you? Are you open to meeting people who aren’t like you? Put yourself in the way of potential friendships with people who are different from you and allow friendships to develop naturally as you would with any other person.
Don’t make anyone your token. I don’t want to represent all Christians to people who aren’t Christian. That’s a heavy burden to bear. I’m human, and I don’t want people to chalk up my faults to a certain group. “Well that’s Christians for you.” You know you aren’t representative of your entire race or gender or religion or political party. Get to know many different people and recognize the variety of personalities that exist within any group.
We’ll never understand everyone, and naturally we’ll always find it easiest to see things from our own points of view. But every time we choose to step outside our bubbles, we expand them. And as we expand these bubbles, we’ll increase our capacity for understanding people who are different from ourselves. Maybe that’s the best way to heal the fractures between us.
“So, Kate, what was that you were saying about how your life sucks, because everyone except you is at the U2 concert?”
I don’t often experience social media-induced envy, but I had a raging case on Friday night. As I sat outside the Target dressing rooms while my daughter tried on pants, I scrolled through Instagram and Facebook. Many friends were posting about U2’s Joshua Tree tour. I wished with all my heart that I could be at the concert, too.
Then I went home and looked at the news, and I got my sense of perspective back. Sure, I’d enjoy going to the U2 concert. But I’m fortunate to have a home, and it’s not threatened by hurricanes. I’m really blessed.
When we have a sense of perspective, it enables us to reach out to others. If we’re focused on what we lack in life, we may be less willing to share what we have. Like many Americans, I struggle to make ends meet. We need to do some work on our house and to replace one or two of our cars. But we have a house and more than one car. We are employed and have health insurance. We may not be in America’s 1%, but on a global scale, we are part of the 1%. I can see no better thing to do with our wealth than to use it to help others.
Sometimes it’s easier to spot a lack of perspective in others’ lives than noticing our own. If I’m near our football stadium and see someone holding up a sign that says “I NEED TICKETS,” I always want to fix the sign, replacing “NEED” with “WANT.”
However, most of the time I recommend you keep your mouth shut and focus on your own sense of perspective. There are exceptions to this. If your children have “affluenza,” it can be important to remind them of how fortunate they are. But sometimes you end up belittling someone’s pain when you compare their suffering to what others are going through. If someone complains about their job, the proper response is not “At least you have a job.” A lousy job sucks, no matter what the economy is like. And in some cases, people who seem to lack perspective are suffering from depression or anxiety — serious mental health disorders that cannot be cured by merely looking on the bright side.
But in our own lives, it can be valuable to work on developing a sense of perspective. Practicing gratitude through exercises like keeping a gratitude journal can help you focus on what you have, instead of what you lack. Likewise, keeping up with world news can be a marvelous way of giving yourself a sense of perspective.
From there, we may find ourselves reminded how fortunate we are, and we may feel called to share our good fortune with others.
If you are truly suffering for any reason — a tragedy in your life, depression, a distressing situation that seems inescapable — please go easy on yourself. Your pain is real, even if there are others who are suffering more. But for those of us who, like me, are just wishing for a better life, let’s put things in perspective and ask ourselves how we can use what we’ve been blessed with to do good.
Are you prepared to help others during an emergency?
A lot of people have pulled together to help those affected by Hurricane Harvey. Not only first responders but ordinary people came to the rescue of others. People have donated money and goods. Some — not just Americans but also Mexicans — have volunteered. The whole Lakewood Church controversy aside, churches and mosques opened their doors to people who needed shelter. All of these acts are inspiring ways to help people affected by a natural disaster. I’d like to add one more idea to the mix: helping others by preparing for an emergency long before it hits.
Even before 9/11, I’ve believed in keeping an emergency kit ready, though I’ve found it challenging to assemble a complete, easy-to-carry kit. The U.S. government recommends a fairly basic kit including three days of food and water per person plus items such as a first aid kit, a weather radio, and a flashlight. But that’s just the basics. Once you take into account children, pets, medications, and personal hygiene needs, your kit is beginning to get complex. And serious “preppers” recommend far more than what I’ve mentioned so far. But even if you go with a fairly basic kit, it’s a good idea to have one emergency kit at work, one at home, and one in your car.
My guess is few of us are that together. But disasters like Hurricane Harvey and the threat of Hurricane Irma have reminded me of one of the greatest gifts I can give my loved ones: helping them prepare for emergencies.
Of course, if you live with family members, pulling together a kit and an emergency plan for your household is a way you can show your love and make a difference in their lives. But, while I’ve acknowledged that pulling together a kit according to even the more basic recommendations can be a challenge, I have a stretch goal for all of us: Don’t just pull together a comprehensive kit for your own household. Help someone you know get some supplies together. An elderly parent or neighbor, a young adult child living on their own, a single parent, anyone you think could use some help preparing for emergencies will benefit from your gift. In addition to or instead of that, you could have extra supplies available in your kit for someone else in need.
When we learn CPR, most of us secretly hope we’ll never have to use that knowledge. When we pull together an emergency kit, we hope it will never come in handy. But scary things happen, and if they happen where you live or work, having supplies that you can share with others could be a great way to make a difference.
The Enchanted April raises the question: Does happiness make you good?
“Why, it would really be being unselfish to go away and be happy for a little, because we would come back so much nicer.” — The Enchanted April, Elizabeth von Arnim
I’ve loved the movie The Enchanted April for a long time. In the past couple of years I finally read the book. What the movie states, the book shouts: Being good may not make you happy, but being happy can make you good.
After I’d read the book, I was disappointed to go online and find absolutely no theological discussions on it. I’m sure people of all sorts of beliefs could debate this. As a Christian, I wish that Christ-followers would engage with Arnim’s ideas.
I’m not going to try for a deep dive into The Enchanted April here. That’s not the point of this post. I will say that I think that Arnim has a point, though I don’t entirely agree with her. One of my high school history teachers would have hated that response. She always said, “When you sit on the fence, it hurts.” Nevertheless, I think Arnim is neither entirely wrong nor entirely right, so I will stand on the fence and fiercely defend my point of view.
In both the book and movie, Lotty Wilkins is the character who, when she sees an advertisement about an Italian castle for lease during the month of April, pushes to make it happen. Once there, she positively blossoms with love, seeking to make everyone as happy as she feels.
Rose Arbuthnot — the first person Lotty persuades to join her — is saintly and miserable. She pursues happiness through goodness, but Lotty sees right through her. Rose is terribly unhappy.
You and I have met people like Rose. Perhaps we’ve been like Rose. The Roses of the world are cheerless do-gooders, reinforcing the views of those who believe, along with Billy Joel, that they’d “rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.”
Being good while being miserable is possible, but it’s hard to sustain. When we joylessly go through the motions, love shrivels up within us. We may say we love ourselves, but we are afraid to love ourselves generously, because we believe that’s selfish. We may say we love others, but the things we do for them are more of a checklist than acts inspired by genuine love. We may say we love God, but what we really feel is a fear of displeasing him.
What if we decided to love ourselves generously, passionately, as we say God loves others, as we claim God loves us (even if we aren’t really sure about that)? It’s hard to love others if you are always beating up on yourself. But if you love yourself, how might that love overflow into the lives of others?
Think about the people you truly admire. If you’re like me, they are people who are bubbling over with love. They may not be in the happiest situation, but they are as happy as a person can be within their circumstances — maybe even happier than you think you could be. They are good from the inside out, rather than being good on the outside, hoping desperately the goodness will work its way in.
This is where many Christians would talk about how this love and happiness comes from God. While I don’t disagree, Rose was desperately pursuing God… and she wasn’t happy. One could argue about resting in God’s love (grace) versus trying to earn God’s love (works) –and that’s a fine discussion to have. But whatever Arnim believed about God, she wrote a story about a woman who learned how to love generously after first being generous with herself. With that love, she changed the lives of the people around her.
On the other hand…
Don’t we already put happiness on a pedestal in the West these days? So many people are chasing after it, wanting it desperately, and yet they never seem to find it. Don’t we too often equate happiness with pleasure? And isn’t that what Arnim does by placing her heroines in an Italian castle dripping with flowers? Haven’t we become a supremely selfish culture? And, Kate, didn’t you say “it’s not about me”?
Well, yes. We often mistake pleasure for happiness, though certainly pleasure can bring happiness. I recently walked to a nearby ice cream shop during my lunch break. As I returned to work with my ice cream cone, I was supremely happy. Of course, if I did that daily, it would no longer make me happy, but there’s something to be said for sheer pleasure.
Pleasurable experiences aside, there’s a lot to be said for the argument that chasing happiness isn’t making us happy. Not too long ago, I had conversations about happiness with a depressed friend. Of course I suggested that he get help. But I also suggested that he not focus on happiness. Instead I proposed that he adopt practices that often lead to happiness — including exercising, spending time in nature, and finding ways to make a contribution to the world (because, the Roses of the world aside, goodness can lead to happiness — I told you I was on the fence!).
And there are times when pursuing happiness leads to the opposite of good. Think of parents who walk out on their families in order to chase after something they think will make them happy. I’m by no means saying that parents must lead joyless lives, giving up everything for the family. I’m simply saying that single-mindedly pursuing happiness isn’t always good.
So, while there’s plenty to debate on the subject of goodness and happiness, this is what I believe: I believe in embracing, not fearing, happiness. I believe in enjoying the beautiful world God has given us. I believe we should love ourselves as generously as we claim God loves the world. But I also believe that happiness shouldn’t be everything to us, and we shouldn’t mistake the wrong things (endless pleasure, the latest gadgets, getting everything we want) for happiness. When our happiness inspires us to love others and share our happiness with them, we know we’re on the right track.
In some parts of the United States, school has already started; in other parts, kids have nearly four more weeks of vacation. Whether or not school has started in your area, and whether or not you have kids, I have a back-to-school suggestion for you: Make plans to pay off some overdue lunch accounts during the school year.
Live tens of thousands of other people, I follow Ashley C. Ford on Twitter. I had seen her tweet from Dec. 6, 2016, in which she suggested people pay off overdue lunch accounts at local schools. What I didn’t realize until I began doing research for this post was that she started a trend. People all over the U.S. followed her suggestion, sometimes even setting up online fundraising for a school district. (This is a great example of the power one person can have.)
That was last school year. The challenge is to keep lunch accounts paid over the 2017-18 school year and beyond. Do this for the families who are struggling to make ends meet but don’t qualify for free lunches. Do this even for families that have the means but leave their kids’ lunch accounts unpaid. The parents in these families could be overwhelmed with a family crisis or crippled by depression. And even if a lunch account goes unpaid due to parental irresponsibility, I don’t believe a child should have to suffer. If anything, we want to give children of irresponsible parents a leg up so that they can become mature, responsible adults despite their family of origin.
In order to accomplish this, you may need to make a few phone calls. Start with your local school district and see if there are unpaid accounts you can take care of. If there aren’t, consider calling another district nearby, particularly if you live near, but not in, a big city. Also consider widening your scope to include parts of the country where poverty is concentrated. Whether you help locally or send your money to a another, needier school district, you’ll be helping to meet a real need.
I’ve been blogging twice a week since Oct. 3, 2016. It’s time for a vacation! I’m giving myself two weeks off and will return with “something wonderful” on Monday, Aug. 28.
