Hard to Say I’m Sorry

We’re Really Bad at Apologies

Over and over we read news stories about prominent people and even organizations apologizing badly… if they apologize at all.

“I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I’m sorry, but in my defense…”

“I was joking.”

“Mistakes were made.”

“Alright, alright! I’m sorry!”

“You’re too sensitive.”

How to Say “I’m Sorry”

Pope Francis has recently made the news for setting an example of an apology done right.

But what exactly is a good apology?

A good apology starts with a willingness to understand someone else’s perspective.

Before we can sincerely apologize, we have to believe we have something to apologize for.

Let me first acknowledge that sometimes people will pressure us to apologize for something when we truly have done nothing wrong. This can happen in abusive situations. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate not to apologize for something.

But in most cases it is helpful for us to pause and listen to the person or people who would like us to apologize and to empathize with them. When we are willing to listen with humility, we may realize that we’ve engaged in hurtful behavior for which we need to seek forgiveness.

When people say things like “I apologize if I offended anyone,” they usually have failed to empathize with the people they have hurt.

A good apology includes accepting responsibility for our behavior without making excuses.

We need to take full responsibility for our actions. That’s hard. We may indeed have done something in response to another person’s behavior. Maybe a loved one repeatedly lets us down, and one day we lash out and say something hurtful. While we understandably want the other person to take responsibility for their actions, we need to apologize for our behavior without blaming them. The fact is we are fully responsible for how we respond to someone. We need to address our loved one’s behavior separately, without blaming them for what we have done.

A good apology leads to changed behavior.

An apology isn’t just about confessing past wrongdoing and then expecting everything to be fine going forward. We may need to make amends. We may need to pursue help in order to change habitual behaviors that have hurt others. This can be hard, painful work, but it’s necessary if we really are sorry for what we’ve done.

How Should We Respond to Genuine Apologies?

Every single one of us will need to apologize from time to time, but we also will find ourselves on the receiving end of heartfelt apologies. Sometimes we will feel so hurt that we won’t want to give the offender anything, but I believe there are things we need to do when someone offers a genuine apology.

We should try to empathize with the person doing the apologizing.

We don’t need to excuse their behavior. We don’t need to accept an obviously insincere apology. But we should be willing to understand imperfect apologies if they appear to be well-intended. I doubt any of us have always extended perfect apologies; it’s good to remember that when another person is trying to say “I’m sorry.”

We should be willing to forgive.

Genuine apologies can be difficult. That’s why they’re so rare. When we refuse to forgive someone who expresses sincere remorse and attempts to change their behavior, we teach people that they shouldn’t bother to apologize, because nothing they do will make a difference.

Sometimes the damage someone did to a relationship is deep. Forgiveness doesn’t mean denying the hurt. It doesn’t necessarily mean that a relationship will go back to the way it was before the damage was done. It doesn’t mean that the offender gets to have everything the way they want it after they apologize. It does mean that we need to acknowledge that anyone can learn and grow. It means that people don’t need to be defined by their past. It means that we shouldn’t treat someone like a pariah forever when they are working to change. Because if we dream of a better world, we need to allow others — and ourselves — to become better people.