This is one of those posts I didn’t plan, but after watching my child go through a miserable weekend recently, I felt the urge to step on my soapbox and talk about the need to follow through on plans. I’m not doing this to try to get through to her friends (who almost certainly don’t read my blog anyway). That would be a ridiculous, indirect way of approaching a problem that isn’t really my problem. I am doing this because keeping our commitments is a real, achievable way we can make a difference.
My child’s friends cancel plans frequently. Sometimes, they have valid excuses: My mother made plans for the family and didn’t tell me. I’m not feeling well. (Although the friend who most recently said that has cancelled so many times for different reasons that it’s a difficult excuse to believe.) Other times, the excuses are sort of lame: I didn’t do my homework on Saturday, so I really need to do it today.
I understand cancelling plans. I’ve done it myself — most recently when I was swamped at work. It was a genuine problem, but did I really have to cancel? I’ll come back to that thought in a minute.
Things happen that force us to cancel plans. Illness, family emergencies… these things happen. But when we change our plans, we often disappoint someone who was looking forward to time with us.
I know people (again, I’ve done this myself), who choose not to commit in order to avoid this problem. My child asked a friend if she wanted to get together on Halloween. The friend said, “I’ll get back to you”… and then didn’t say anything until November 2, when she texted, “Sorry I couldn’t get together with you on Halloween.” Now, I think my kid could have followed up with the noncommittal friend, but a definitive “no” frees a person to make other plans. If you feel uncomfortable saying “no,” refusing to decide might feel kind (I don’t want to hurt his feelings), but it’s not.
I’m going to mention a verse from the New Testament, but bear with me, even if you’re not a Christian. In Matthew 5, Jesus talks about oaths — swearing that you will or will not do something. He tells people not to make oaths; instead, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.'” In other words, no more promises; just say what you will or won’t do, and be a person of your word.
What a concept!
I get the need for self-care. I get being tired and overwhelmed. But there’s a better way to do this than cancelling, unless you truly must cancel.
Here’s how you can make a difference in other people’s lives by letting your “yes” be “yes.”
- When you receive an invitation, give a definitive response as soon as you can. Try not to leave the person hanging. This matters as much for group events, for which the person may need to plan a certain amount of food or make reservations, as it does for hanging out just the two of you.
- Know yourself. Don’t be overly optimistic and say “yes” to something that will occur during a challenging time. I knew I was going to be very busy at work for a little over a month, and I still said I would attend a book group meeting. I convinced myself I could make it work, but I couldn’t. Instead, when we were scheduling our meeting, I should have said, “I will be working hard between [date] and [date], so I will not attend book group during that time.” While not all crises can be foreseen, if you know that you will be going through a busy season, or if you know that the time someone wants to meet with you will be difficult for you (too many events already on your calendar, for instance), say no.
- Follow through. Once you’ve said “yes,” resolve to be a person of your word. Don’t cancel unless you are truly ill or dealing with an emergency. (If you are regularly experiencing emergencies, go back to step 2. Think about the patterns behind the emergencies, and respond to invitations with those patterns in mind.)
Whether or not you are one to make New Year’s resolutions, join me in planning to make 2019 the year that, when you say “yes,” people know they can count on you to be there.