Once upon a time, my mom had a miscarriage. The nurse who attended to her comforted her with the words, “It was God’s will.”
I am not an advocate of violence, but had my mom slapped the nurse, I wouldn’t blame her.
Different people have different beliefs about whether or not everything that happens is God’s will. As fallible humans, none of us knows for sure. But even if you are certain you are right in believing that everything that happens is God’s will — every rape, every act of discrimination, every tornado, every car crash — please consider this before you say “it was God’s will” to a suffering person: They probably won’t be comforted by your statement.
There’s another view on why people suffer that seems equally hurtful: the notion that people create their own reality. I’ve always thought that was a very privileged attitude. I wonder if a person who believes that would dare to say such a thing to a poor person in a developing nation who had just lost everything in a hurricane or earthquake. While I don’t know if anyone has done exactly that (I hope not), it has been said to people in other situations. Grief expert Megan Devine talked about this on Jonathan Fields’ Good Life Project podcast. Her partner drowned when he went for a swim in a river, and people dared to blame her for bringing about his death with her thoughts. (Note: Megan compares this “blame the victim” mode of thinking to Puritanical thought, but from my admittedly imperfect understanding of the Puritans, this is not a good comparison. The Puritans accepted suffering. Megan may be thinking of the modern prosperity gospel, which promotes the idea that suffering comes from displeasing God.)
We humans hate tragedies. We feel fragile and powerless, and we aren’t quite sure what to say to people who are suffering. As Megan points out in her interview, one way we deal with our sense of powerlessness is by blaming the victim. Don’t. Even if the person who is suffering did something to lead to the situation, like accidentally leaving medication where a child could reach it, it’s a good bet that they are lecturing themselves every waking hour, and they do not need you to add to their guilt and sorrow. If you can’t refrain from blaming them, then just keep your mouth shut.
Don’t blame God either, even if, as I mentioned above, you personally believe the tragedy was God’s will. If you want a lesson in how a suffering person deals with God, pick up the Bible and notice the wide range of human emotions it includes.
“Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant? If I have sinned, what have I done to you, O watcher of men? Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you?” (Job 7:19-20)
“Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me? … You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.” (Psalm 88: 14, 18)
“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:32)
If you can’t tolerate someone crying out, “How could God do this to me?” then maybe you shouldn’t bring up God when you comfort a grieving person.
So what do you say?
How about “I’m sorry this happened to you”? How about “I’m here for you”? How about just being willing to listen and to help out as needed?
I feel like I can’t go on!
“I’m here for you. Let me bring you dinner. Is tonight okay?”
How could God do this to me?
“I don’t really understand everything about God and why bad things happen. But I’m here for you.”
It’s my fault he died. He told me he wasn’t feeling well. I should have suspected he was having a heart attack!
“It isn’t your fault. You didn’t know. I’m so sorry this happened. I’m here for you.”