A friend once observed that if someone asks a group of children at church a question, any question, at least some of the children will answer, “God!” or “Jesus!” Their thinking goes something like this, “Since I’m in church, the correct answer must be ‘God’ or ‘Jesus.'”
I believe in truth, though sometimes it’s hard to suss out. I do not believe that reality is whatever I determine it is.
But sometimes our expectations twist the answers people give us. The example I started with is merely a humorous case of kids engaging in faulty reasoning. But in a much more serious vein, if we pressure people to meet our expectations about what is “right,” even in areas that have more to do with opinions or feelings than with facts, we lose the opportunity to allow people to be real and to engage in honest dialogue with us.
You Shouldn’t Feel That Way
How often has someone told you (or have you told someone), “You should (or shouldn’t) feel _____”? How often has someone implied that with a question like, “Don’t you just love (or hate) _____?”
Expecting “right” answers when it comes to feelings hurts people who don’t feel the way we expect them to.
Women struggling with postpartum depression may feel compelled to lie, hiding their crushing fears and doubt as people beam at them and ask, “Don’t you just love being a mother?” or “Don’t you just love your new baby?”
A friend who was laid off from the job he hated may be wrestling with the fact that he feels distressed about the layoff. People can experience complicated feelings around major life events. Your friend is probably already telling himself, “What’s wrong with me? I hated that job. I should be happy to be leaving it.” He doesn’t need you to say that to him. The kindest thing you can do is just listen, giving your friend space to wrestle with his mixed emotions.
Shame On You!
One of the worst forms of pressure to feel a certain way is shaming. Some of us believe that people don’t feel enough shame these days. If only we brought back shame, we think, fewer people would _______.
Indeed, shame can motivate us to change. But many people who study shame as a motivator believe it has more to do with failure to live up to one’s own standards than with failure to meet the approval of others. And shaming can backfire, causing a person to retreat into the very behaviors others are so “helpfully” trying to “fix.”
Your Doubt Makes Me Uncomfortable
Perhaps my friend’s observation about children in church answering all questions with “Jesus” or “God” says something about the rigidity of our places of worship. It’s not that it’s wrong to proclaim that there is such a thing as truth. Nor is there anything wrong with stating that some behavior is right and some is wrong. But there needs to be room for people to be real and to wrestle with their doubts, their questions, and their emotions.
In one adult Sunday School class I attended, we broke up into small groups to discuss something. I can’t remember the subject of our conversation. But I do remember that one person said, “I’m not sure that I believe Jesus even existed as a historical person.” I’m glad he had the courage to speak openly about his thoughts and feelings. But I don’t think any of us were completely comfortable with what he had to say. I know that I was shocked. This guy was in church every Sunday… and he wasn’t even sure if Jesus existed?
But many Christians, even famous Christians, have struggled with doubt. Why don’t we make room for it? Are we afraid doubt is catching, like a disease? Are we afraid that one person’s doubts will expose our own? Do we feel challenged by their doubts? None of these are good reasons to discourage others from being honest.
Likewise, we need to allow others to voice their questions and to disagree with us. People who ask hard questions or disagree with us on cherished beliefs make us squirm, but if we cannot allow their differences and questions because we are afraid, our beliefs are built on a weak foundation. And if we don’t welcome people who hold different opinions and ask challenging questions, the message we are sending is: Either pretend to be like me or leave.
My Way or the Highway
Ever been in a meeting with one person who sees a flaw in every plan?
We need that person.
Too often, our offices and our volunteer boards are dominated by strong personalities. These people are happy to rise to the challenge of leadership, but they may fall into the trap of believing their way is the only way. Woe to those who question or disagree with the leader.
But like everyone else, leaders aren’t perfect. They can be wrong. We need people to ask hard questions and challenge popular wisdom. Of course, these contrarians can also be wrong. But if we aren’t willing to entertain alternative thinking, people may hold back good ideas or choose not to point out problems out of fear. Our organizations will weaken as a result.
Boys Don’t Cry
Sometimes we determine what is “right” for people to feel or like or experience based on who they are. Although I’ve noticed shifts in this practice over the past decade, we often divide things like room decor into stuff for boys, featuring sports, dinosaurs, or superheroes, and stuff for girls, featuring ballerinas, flowers, or ponies. As adults, we’re told that relationships are more important to women, while men tie their identities to their careers. How many people choose not to be honest about their preferences or question their masculinity or femininity because they don’t fit what they have been told is “normal” for their gender?
Of course we use other categories, including race and age, to determine what we think a person “should” do, think, or feel. Senior citizens shouldn’t be interested in sex. People of color shouldn’t support Republicans. (If this is the first post by me that you’ve read, you should know that I lean to the left and am deeply disgusted with most Republicans right now. Nevertheless, I am bothered when my fellow liberals tell people of color — or poor people or members of the LGBT community or women — who they should or should not vote for, as if they were unable to think for themselves.)
Just the Facts?
There are plenty of things that are factual — even when people deny the facts. The Holocaust and the moon landing both occurred. Getting our children vaccinated is far more likely to protect them than harm them. Our planet’s climate is changing.
But there’s a lot that falls outside of the realm of the factual. Feelings, opinions, and preferences vary from person to person. People have doubts and questions about things we hold dear. Let’s allow people to be themselves, even if they don’t give us the “right” answers. Then they no longer have to carry the burden of meeting unrealistic expectations. Then we can talk, listen, and work toward understanding and being there for each other. We can make a difference just by giving people the freedom not to conform to our notions of what’s right.