Why Self-Care Should Be High on Your List

Being an introvert has its advantages. I find it easier than many extroverts to avoid mingling with lots of people, though I do miss things like hugging a friend or visiting an art museum.

But after days of staying at home with my family, I feel like climbing the walls. I miss the time when I had more opportunities to be completely alone for a few hours. One day I considered getting ice cream, driving to my favorite park, finding a deserted bench, and enjoying my treat all by myself.

I talked myself out of it, telling myself I didn’t need to spend money that way. Besides, the park I wanted to go to is popular and might be too crowded. And it was more important to get stuff done around the house.

A few days later I told a friend about this, and she replied, “You should have gone.”

She was right. I should have. The ice cream wasn’t important, but when I dismissed my need for alone time, I denied myself an important form of self-care. And if I go long enough without taking care of myself, I become cranky and unpleasant to be around.

What do I mean by self-care?

Different people and organizations may focus on different aspects of self-care when defining it. Some are primarily concerned with the health-related aspects of self-care, such as exercise and good nutrition. Others focus on self-care as self-discipline, which can include physical health but goes beyond that. Still others seem to equate self-care with treats.

I think self-care starts with reflecting on what you need and thinking of ways to meet those needs. The folks who focus on physical health are right: you need good food and plenty of sleep. Likewise, you need to discipline yourself to work toward your goals. But you also may need to do something a little more on the “indulgent side,” like giving your aching feet a massage. Self-care is whatever you need. There are some universal basic human needs, but I can’t tell you what’s missing from your life right now. You’ll need to figure that out yourself.

The heavier life feels, the more you need this.

The more you feel like you don’t have the time or energy for self-care, the more you need it.

For example…

• Have you been involved in protests or volunteer efforts lately? You may feel like taking time for yourself is selfish, but it’s important to recharge so that you have the energy to pursue a more just world.
• Have you been working from home and caring for your children at the same time? You may feel that you don’t have time to take a break, but you’ll be a better parent and worker for it.
• Are you in a job that exposes you to the public and puts you at greater risk of exposure to the coronavirus? Self-care can help you reign in anxiety and refuel after exhausting days.
• Are you struggling with depression, barely able to get out of bed each day? Your form of self-care might look more like the self-discipline variety as you set small goals that can help you feel better.

Here are a few ways to integrate self-care into your life:

• As I said above, self-care is about meeting your needs, whatever those are. If you haven’t thought about what’s missing from your life right now, take some time to do that. Then figure out realistic ways to meet those needs. If you’re lonely, you might arrange to meet a friend outside for conversation. If you’re a single parent and need some downtime by yourself, you might need to put the kids to bed early once a week and spend the rest of the evening relaxing, instead of doing housework.
• Ruthlessly cut back on things. I’m bad at this. I sign up for lots of email lists and then stress out about all the messages in my inbox. I have to force myself to unsubscribe from emails I enjoy. There’s too much good stuff out there. When it becomes a burden, it’s time to remind ourselves that we can’t read (or watch or listen to) all of the good things. We have to let things go. If I cut back too much (unlikely), I can always add things back again.
• Control what you see on social media. If you don’t want to unfriend someone on Facebook, you can unfollow them. On Twitter, you can mute people while still following them. You can also hide ads that are upsetting or too tempting. We all have better things to do than get embroiled in arguments that we’re never going to win.
• To busy parents: I’m about to say something to you that I hated hearing when I was working full-time and parenting a young child. Lower your standards. I know that you may already feel like your standards are incredibly low. It seemed like I was always reading about how moms should clean less often to make more time for self-care. I wanted to reply, “Come over and see my house, and then tell me if I should clean less often.” If you also feel like your housework standards are already low, and you still don’t have time for self-care, look beyond the obvious ways to lower your standards. If you are married and your kids insist that you are the only person who can put them to bed, be firm and switch off the bedtime routine with your spouse. They’ll get over it, and you’ll have some time that you can use on self-care (not another load of laundry!).

Whatever you do, don’t talk yourself out of self-care. You’ve heard before, and it’s true: You can’t help others if you don’t take care of yourself.