It may be seem odd to say that you can help change the world simply through being clear and direct. But if you think that assertive communication isn’t a good way to make a difference, just remember a time when you felt frustrated because someone expected you to read their mind.
Want better relationships? Stop doing these things.
When we refuse to communicate openly with someone, we damage our relationship with them. Poor communication can frustrate the other person. It can cause distance between us, because we aren’t being authentic. And it can lead us to feel resentment toward others when they fail to read our mind.
Here are the things we need to stop doing if we want to improve the way we communicate with others.
- Stop using a passive-aggressive communication style. When you choose to be passive-aggressive rather than communicating directly with someone about your wants, you drive that person away. I know a woman whose mother-in-law rarely communicates directly. Instead, she drops hints, tries to guilt people into doing what she wants them to do, and sometimes uses the silent treatment when she is offended. One of her relatives, who wasn’t calling her often, got a Christmas card with the message, “Hope you have a desire to talk to me again.” Needless to say, the relative wants to call this woman even less than they did before receiving the card.
- Stop dropping hints. Hints are another form of passive-aggressive communication. Some hints can be so subtle that you miss them. Others are obvious and annoying. The passive-aggressive mother-in-law I mentioned above dropped several obvious hints about wanting to be a grandma when she decided that her son and daughter-in-law had waited long enough to have children. “I picked up a high chair at a garage sale,” she’d say. One time she told my friend about a niece’s wedding, adding, “I bet my brother will be a grandpa soon.” My friend said she had to resist responding with “Why? Was it a shotgun wedding?”
- Stop expecting other people to read your mind. Don’t assume others think like you. If something is important to you, spell it out. I know… if you tell your significant other that you’d really like flowers for a special occasion, that takes all the romance out of it. But even less romantic is getting mad at them, because they didn’t figure out that getting flowers was very important to you. Either be clear and direct with them, or promise yourself you won’t get upset if they don’t figure things out.
- Stop refusing to share your thoughts and feelings. I confess I’m particularly guilty of this one. But when we fail to share our true selves with others, we’re holding them at a distance. We are perhaps even lying about who we are. If you want closer relationships, you need to be willing to share yourself with others.
- Stop using an indirect approach to your request. Has anyone asked you, “What are you doing on Tuesday night?” That sort of request can set a person on edge. What are you getting yourself into if you say “Nothing”? You could wind up being invited to a sold-out concert that you really wanted to attend… or asked to go to a multi-level marketing pitch. Do people a favor: Don’t leave them wondering if they are going to regret saying, “Nothing.” Be direct and ask, “Do you want to go to X on Tuesday night?” They’ll like you better for your directness.
Why aren’t we better communicators?
- We know something is none of our business. When the mother-in-law I referred to above hinted that she wanted a grandchild, she may have chosen that route because she knew that the choice was ultimately in her son and daughter-in-law’s hands (assuming they were able to have children — my friend has said she was glad she wasn’t struggling with infertility when her mother-in-law made those insensitive remarks). If something isn’t any of your business, it’s best to just keep your mouth shut.
- We’re afraid. We fear rejection. We fear being ridiculed. Although assertive communication comes from a place of strength, it makes us vulnerable, and being vulnerable is very scary.
- We think that if people really loved us, they’d do what we wanted them to without our saying a thing. We tend to believe that the way we see the world is “normal.” If we make a big deal out of other people’s birthdays, we may expect the same from them. But they may not care much about birthdays. Better to let them know that birthdays are important to you (and, while you’re at it, to listen to how they want you to handle their own birthday).
- We don’t like conflict. I know I’ve brought up the passive-aggressive mother-in-law several times now, but the stories involving her make great examples. What if her son and daughter-in-law decided that they didn’t want children? What if they had said as much to her? While this wasn’t the case, I’m sure there are plenty of people who don’t communicate unwelcome news like this simply because they don’t want to deal with the conflict that will happen within their family.
- We think that assertiveness is too self-centered. Sometimes we confuse assertively communicating our desires with being self-centered. It’s okay to speak up about what you want. In fact, unless you are a saint, if you refuse to speak up about what your desires (“I’d like you to cook more often,” “I’d rather not see that movie, because violence makes me uncomfortable,” “I’d like to stay home for Christmas this year rather than visiting relatives”), you will eventually become resentful about the fact that your wishes are never taken into account. It’s okay to say what you want. The self-centered part is expecting always to have your way.
- Women are sometimes told that they can’t be assertive with men because of their “fragile male egos.” All too often, I have seen people argue that if women are critical, men’s fragile egos are damaged. I have a higher view of men than that. While no one likes to be constantly belittled or picked at (something I alluded to in my post on Love and Respect), both men and women are capable of handling constructive criticism. Otherwise, how would they ever survive the workplace?
- We may have been taught that assertive behavior will be punished, and passive behavior will be rewarded. If you are met with anger or stony silence when you speak up and are praised for being “good” when you swallow back your thoughts and feelings, you’ll learn that assertiveness gets you nowhere. Likewise, you may have learned from the example of others if you saw that they were punished (yelled at, fired, cut off from the family, etc.) for speaking up.
- People have indicated that they aren’t interested in what we have to say. If someone tells you outright that they aren’t interested in your thoughts and opinions, or if they send that message through actions such as interrupting you or refusing to let you get a word in edgewise, you may be inclined to give up trying to communicate assertively with them.
What does assertive communication look like?
- You clearly state what you want. You won’t always get what you want. You’ll hear “no,” and that’s okay. But even if you’re used to manipulating your way to “yes,” having better relationships is worth hearing “no.” So ask for help. Ask someone out. Tell someone you’d like to pick the restaurant this time. Let your friend know that you’re tired of them cancelling on you every time their significant other calls.
- You get to the point. When you’re ready to ask for something, don’t take an indirect approach. Get straight to the point. The other person will appreciate the opportunity to say “no,” rather than feeling that they’ve been backed into a corner.
- You share your opinions. Don’t be afraid to disagree with someone — whether the conversation is about politics or favorite movies. There’s no guarantee that the other person will receive your opinion well, but if you respectfully share your thoughts, allowing others to disagree with you just as you expect them to allow you to disagree, you may be able to spark genuine dialogue between people with different points of view.
- You know when to keep your mouth shut. As I mentioned above, some things are none of our business. In those cases, direct questions or requests such as, “I’d like to be a grandparent. Will you be trying to have children soon?” are no better than hints.
Poor communication stunts relationships. If you’re genuinely concerned about making a difference, start practicing a more assertive communication style. Your friends, family, and coworkers will thank you for it.