One of my greatest weaknesses is how difficult it is for me to be assertive, set boundaries, and say “no.” I frequently feel like everyone wants a piece of me and, as a result, I can please no one. I get stressed, and then I am not my best self. This feeling inspired me to rewrite the lyrics to Billy Squier’s “Everybody Wants You.” To give you a taste, here’s the second verse:
You crave approval, so you always say, “Yes.”
Perhaps tomorrow you won’t feel quite so stressed.
Rushing from work to your volunteer post
You dream of old age; maybe then you’ll get to coast.
Everyone relies on your vast energy.
You haven’t had a rest since the last century.
You always bite off more than you can chew.
You never get free — everybody wants you.
I’ve written before about the importance of assertive communication and saying “no,” but my own struggles with assertiveness remind me of how key it is to making a difference.
Unfortunately, we’re often taught that being good means saying “yes,” even when we want to say “no.” “Good” people are self-sacrificing. They give their all to their families, their jobs, their places of worship, and the organizations for which they volunteer. They always put others first.
That’s a recipe for burnout and resentment.
We need to learn to say “no.”
Why?
- When we refuse to assert ourselves, we end up feeling like others are using us. Our mantra is “Nobody appreciates me.” Our saintly exteriors hide hurt and anger. In short, we become martyrs, wishing someone would think of us for a change, but never speaking up.
- As you’ve surely heard before, “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” applies to life in general, not just air travel. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the energy to take care of others.
- When our “yes” allows people to continue an unhealthy behavior, we aren’t helping them. There’s a word for a such a relationship: codependent.
- If we don’t set priorities and stick with them, we may do a lot without accomplishing the most important things. Suppose your biggest priority is fighting climate change. If you say “yes” to every opportunity that comes your way, you may find that, at the end of the month, you’ve been busy, but you’ve done nothing about the climate. We only have so much time and money. We need to keep in mind that saying “yes” to one thing means saying “no” to something else.
- Our inability to be assertive sets a bad example for others, upholding the notion that the only way to be good is to let others trample all over you.
- We need to allow others to love and serve us the way we love and serve them. If your typical response to “What do you want to eat?” is “Whatever you want to eat,” you put the asker in the role of “taker” and yourself in the role of “giver.” In healthy relationships, you should be willing to let others give, too.
Need help with assertiveness and boundaries? Here are some ideas:
- If you want something harmless, express your desires. Of course life isn’t all about us, and we shouldn’t insist on always having our way. But if you’re normally unassertive, it’s time to start telling people what you want. Let them know what movie you want to see, how you’d like to spend Saturday night, what your hopes and dreams are for the future. If you want something that won’t hurt anyone, you won’t win any medals for never speaking up.
- Pick a reasonable number of priorities (maybe five things) and let them guide your decisions. You may have to reshuffle them from time to time, but living by a list of priorities can be very helpful. Right now I have few appointments outside of work. But prior to staying home to flatten the COVID-19 curve, I started to make scheduling decisions based on my priorities. I was impressed by how it was changing my life for the better. In the past, if someone extended an invitation, I would often say “yes” if I was free. When something came along that mattered more to me, I’d say “no,” because I was already booked. Now I compare the invitation to my priorities. If it isn’t on the list, I’ll say “no,” even if I’m free.
- Be ruthless about blocking off unscheduled time. If you often get cranky when you have three after-work commitments during the week, limit yourself to two. Promise yourself that, barring a genuine emergency (e.g., a friend who just lost their spouse), you will keep the remaining weeknights free. Keep in mind that there may be times when you can take on more or have to scale back. Right now, that might mean that some of us have fewer after-work commitments and more time in our schedules for Zoom meetings. Others might be all Zoomed out and need more time to rest.
- Don’t be afraid to see a therapist. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries or are in a codependent relationship, you may not be able to tackle this on your own. It’s okay to get help.